• I can’t help it.

    by  • February 27, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Lost Love • 0 Comments

    I scour and search for you, all over the place, all of the time.
    I’m looking for anything to remind me of you but all I have is the vaguest memory of your face, this picture of you in my head that never comes in to focus. I hate everything about you, you smug bastard but I still want the memories and they’re long the fuck gone. You changed me so much and I wish that I had made more of an impact on you, maybe I did but I will never know and, it ruins me, every day.

    I loved you. I loved you. There isn’t much more to say. I have a man, a man who loves me and I love him and we’re great but I’ll never be able to let this go. I never got over you. I’m sorry for not being perfect for you. I’m perfect for him. I have a ring on my finger and one day, his babies in my uterus.

    I thought it was you, I really did. I wonder if you ever did mean the beautiful things you said to me but I don’t know and I never will. You left with that summer, two years ago. I wanted you back for so long. I cried for a year. I couldn’t let anyone close until Zack. He’s smart and funny. We take care of each other.
    There are things that you don’t know. Obstacles I’m facing everyday. I’m ill and I always will be. I deal with it. I’ve been in trouble and I’m trying to get out of it. I go pre-med in the fall. You don’t care. You forgot me. The picture in your head of me is even more blurred. I never cross your mind. I just wish I knew If you were ever as profoundly in love with me as part of me, a small part of me is still in love with you but I don’t know and I never will.


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