• Clarity

    by  • February 27, 2012 • Family Stuff • 0 Comments

    It didn’t really make sense. We were doing just fine… or so i thought. We talked weekly. You visited a couple times, and things were never weird. Then I asked for one favor, and the whole dynamic seemed to change in an instant. You made snarky remarks about mom, which you knew I hated ever since you got divorced. We didn’t talk for about 3 weeks. Then, just as I was about to reach out to you, you sent me a message. You couldn’t do the one thing I asked of you. You didn’t say you were sorry. And you couldn’t even take the time out to personalize it for me. No, you sent mom and I the same fucking message. And it isn’t like the favor i was asking was some huge thing. It was car insurance. That is what was so confusing. I don’t ask for much, in fact that is the first time I have asked you for anything in about a year and a half, and i only did it then because mom forced me to. So I was severely confused when your demeanor changed so suddenly. Then I started to look at the signs. I always had to reach out to you. Whenever we were together we either watched a movie or ate food so I could dominate the conversation and you didn’t have to speak. I had to force you to come visit, and even then it would only be for a day and we’d spend maybe 2 hours together. The pieces slowly started to fit together. You didn’t care about me. You humored me because it didn’t take too much effort, time, or money. You just had to let me talk, and because I thought you cared I did because I was trying to make you proud. I don’t know why. You’re not a good role model. You smoke, you were an alcoholic who can’t even sip a normal beer without relapsing, you have been divorced twice and I’m pretty sure you were cheating on mom. But you’re my dad. I supported you through the ups and the downs. When i learned you were getting the divorce I sided with you over mom (at least in my head). When you started openly dating that new woman I ignored the original signs of an affair turned into a relationship. When you were accused of sexually assaulting my sister, aka YOUR DAUGHTER, I told myself: “there is no way he could have done it.” Even though you had to move out of the house that night, and even though she wouldn’t talk about you or even mention your existence for 2 years, and even though I never found out the findings of the investigation. I sided with you because I loved you like a son loves his dad. Like a father SHOULD love his children. I was so naive. But now I’ve learned. Clearly you were waiting for the first reason you could find to stop faking it. And I gave you that reason, and in the process gave myself clarity on our relationship… or lack there of. For making me waste all of those emotions, and all of that time I spent looking up to you and worrying about making you proud of me, I just wanna say one thing: fuck you dad.

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