Someone got to you before me, but I deserve you a thousand times more.
I dreamt about you again the other night. I mean I properly dreamt about you. At first the dreams were just seeing you fleetingly in my mind, like I was just chasing and could never reach you. The other night was different though. I caught you, we embraced, we were in love and I was the happiest guy in the world. A raining shit-storm of fire could have raged down all around us, the earth could be on the verge of mass destruction, but you were in my arms and that’s all that mattered. I woke up that morning and for a split second everything was right. I wish I could’ve stayed in that moment of bliss forever. That nanosecond where, at last, I was a happy man.
I always think about the day I first met you, and how I convinced myself that we should stay friends, so I never told you how I felt. I always kick myself for not telling you. It might have put an end to our friendship, and amounted to nothing, but at least I would have known how you felt. Not like now, seven years later, still wondering whether you would have ever said you felt the same way. Waiting until you got into a serious relationship with a nice guy who treats you right, to finally admit I love you more than anything in the world.
I think about what our family would look like. What our kids would look like. How amazing, radiant and angelic you’d look when you carried our child, and how beautiful you’d look on our wedding day. How we’d grow old together and I’d still love you as much, if not more than the first day I saw your face. I think about that love letter I’ll eventually get around to writing and sending, and how you’ll read it and realise you felt the same way. I’ve gone over those words a thousand times in my head, and still I can’t bring myself to put them down on paper and send them.
Instead I’m going to do nothing. I’m going to sit here and watch you fall deeper in love with someone else. They’ll then marry you, and give you the family I dream about every day. That person is stealing my girl, my wife and my family and I’m just going to stand by and let it happen.
I’m sure I’ll never send this letter, or any letter like it to you, but I know I’ll never forget you. I’ve tried, but my subconscious always make sure you come screaming back in to my world. I might put you away, in a box for a few weeks, but regular as clockwork you’ll come back and haunt me in my dreams. The most beautiful haunting in the world.
I love you so much.