Once I heard the phrase: “Some people don’t cry cause they’re weak, but because they have been strong for too long”. That’s exactly how I feel.
Basically what I need to express is the situation I had to strugle with my whole life and just can’t get peace with. I’m almost 30 years old and I’ve never been in love. Never had a boyfriend. Never knew what feels to have someone caring for you enough, considering you important. Never had aniversaries, or gifts or letters, or any show of appreciation in that sense. Lately it feels pretty lonely and I don’t know if I can keep bearing it. But worse than that: I don’t understand why is this happening to me.
And I look at myself in the mirror and I’m more than happy with the reflection, I’m not superficial though, I also care for my inner self, I’m eager to learn new things everyday and I love expressing myself through my paintings. I just hate the fact that everytime I have a crush, that person doesn’t feel the same way. And I don’t mean to compare myself with others (most of my friends had deep love stories), but I can’t help to feel lonely sometimes. Like no one really gets me. There’s always someone better than me.
And then they come to me and cry for their heartbreaks… and hey, don’t you see that my uninterrupted loneliness is killing me inside? Like that is not as terrible as suffering for love. You know? My suffering is for love too, and it hurts just the same.
And then I wonder what’s wrong with me, but I really can’t see it. More mediocre, superficial women (and men) get what they want, but not me. Don’t get me wrong: there were many men who tried, but they weren’t just right, and even when I wanted to, something else happens. So, what is it? What keeps them all away? I have so many theories, from God’s curse to just bad timing. I feel like there was a fence around me no one wants to cross. I don’t get it, I think I’m done being strong, I’m tired of being denied this. But I don’t know what else to do, there’s nothing else I haven’t tried. Loneliness is kinda taking my stamina away slowly.
I feel lost and defeated. I’m tired of putting the mask. This is what I am!! A defeated person! A person who can’t take it anymore… So, to you all, the many men who rejected me for someone else (or just because): What did you see in me you didn’t like? What is it? Is it me at all? Or am I really under spell here? Did you have any idea of how much harm you were causing? Did you know you were just another brick to add to the wall? Another slap on my face? You didn’t know how long I had to be by myself. You don’t know and probably never imagined how sad and lonely my whole life was, how I have been mistreated at school, at home, always. And I know you helped me be the stronger woman I am today. But I can’t thank you.
And you, the big YOU: You’re a coward, but I guess if you weren’t willing to risk much for me is because you never really wanted to. And you’re a proud, coward little man. But, what can I say? I think I fell for you, a lot, but I’ll never be able to express it. That makes me sad.
And to you, the person who would get me (if you exist):
Where are you?