• remember

    by  • February 25, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Resentment • 0 Comments

    I remember every detail even though I try not to. As I type this letter, the familiar knot in my chest finds its comfortable spot in between the soft walls of the warmth of my heart and begins to twist..painfully turning and churning as the movies of my memory replay. I am safe now, in the now away from the past yet these memories still hold near. Remember the time I was desperately in love with you. I tried everything to make you love me. I held my breath twice as long through every tunnel and over pass. I listened to cheesy 90’s pop music that told me one day you would come around. Remember how I use to talk to you all the time on AIM, confessing my love for you only to hear back from you the complaint that no “good” girls will ever love you. I’m sure that’s true to this day. Remember the time you slow danced with me out of pity? Remember the time you smiled in my face, keeping a placid face of undecided love but ranted to your friends about how pathetic I was?? Well guess what, I heard you. Every word. I didn’t need to be there to know what you were saying. The heat of your words flew through the crisp evening air and branded my heart from the inside out. Scorching it with your false promises and nice boy act. You destroyed the center I built..crumbled the foundation and left the door wide open for the rest of the squatters, con-men, and thieves to enter.

    Do you remember the time you asked me to come over to your house? I was naiive and thought you must be THE ONE. I went there told my mom that I was going to a friends and hopped in your beat up old cadillac. Remember how you managed to move me room to room with no effort at all. Seducing me with lust and dirt hidden behind love’s satiny, soft sheath. Remember how you brought me to your bed and made the journey towards undressing me, like lovers do? Remember how you tried to force yourself on me and after I said no, you wanted nothing to do with me. Dropped me off two miles from my house to walk the ultimate path of shame? I HATE YOU. I am not supposed to have hate in my heart but I hate you. You left me broken, miserable and then told the entire school a lie that made me look desperate and needy. You found a new girlfriend a week later. She was better than me because she actually knew how to do heroin and snort coke. Not a beginner like me. My warm den of trust, love demolished. Then there was you. Remember the time you jerked me around. Making me believe that you needed me. I moved back to LA for you. I have nothing to say about you. My memories of you are lost in the void. You all ruined sex for me. I now associate it with pain and discomfort…abandonment and heartbreak. Yoga saved me. My heart den is being rebuilt, stronger this time. I am surrounded by love and lessons from the greats such as Ghandi and MLK, jr. who tell me to send you all love and wish you well. I won’t lie.. It’s extremely hard to do. It is now my practice, but I couldn’t start to cultivate those feelings of compassion without first recognizing my feelings and acknowledging the hatred I have for you that destroyed a castle. For you that left me feeling distraught and hating myself. For you that never loved me but played it like you did…

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