• i’ll never understand how you could do this to me.

    by  • February 25, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Family Stuff • 0 Comments

    the last time i talked to you was june, the year i finished seventh grade. the last time i saw you was the april before that. i talked to you and was assuming i would talk to you again the next day. and then.. nothing. for weeks. and that turned in to years. and now i’m a freshman in college and i haven’t spoken to you since that june.

    i was crushed. how could you do that to me? i was your oldest grandchild. your only granddaughter for such a long time. and my mom, your only daughter. your sons. all of my cousins.. most of them who don’t even remember you. you did such a terrible thing. we’re your family. and you just abandoned us out of nowhere.
    especially the kids. we were so little. we did nothing wrong. and i lost someone who i thought was great, who would send me letters with money and gum and made me so happy. someone who adored me, someone i talked to every day. and then, you were gone, overnight. i think i cried myself to sleep for weeks straight. months, maybe even a year.

    it would have been easier if you had just died, because then i wouldn’t have to live knowing that someone i thought would always be there abandoned me for no reason. all my friend talk about their grandparents and how much they love them and blah blah blah.. and you took having a grandma away from me at such a young age. i was so little when my dad’s mom died three years before you decided you wanted nothing to do with your own children and grandchildren anymore. so there i was 13 years old with no grandmas, and only one grandpa. i don’t ever mention you. how could i explain to someone that somebody who should be sending me packages to my dorm, maybe stopping by and seeing me on your way to go see the fam, calling me a few times a week to see how i’m doing, hasn’t talked to me since i was in middle school.

    how do i explain that you haven’t talked to us in years? that two of your sons got into terrible accidents at work and you didn’t even know? that there’s a beautiful little girl who’s funny, cute, and adorable, thats almost four years old that you might not even know exists?

    i hate that i can’t get into a fight with my parents or my brother, without feeling absolutely terrible after, and not just because we fought. because of how upset my mom gets, and how i can tell she is scared that i’ll get up and leave and never talk to them again someday. which is absurd. i love my mother so much. and my dad, and my brother, and i could never hurt anyone as much as you have hurt me and my mom. in a million years, i could never imagine abandoning my family.

    since you cut us off, i graduated eighth grade. i joined a team that gave me a second family, i got my drivers license, i kissed boys, i got a job, made friends that will last forever. i found the college that would give me everything i needed. i graduated high school with a 4.1 gpa, and with honors. i’m at a college that i love, taking classes, learning so much, studying all the time, working so hard to and so excited to do what i love for the rest of my life. i’m so much different than i was when you last saw me. i’m stronger, i’m confident, i’m strong-willed. i love my family. i have great friends. i can’t wait to be a teacher in a few years.

    however, i can’t let myself be normal, and i can’t help but blame you. i’m scared to trust people, because i trusted you and you left me. i’m scared to become close to anyone, because i was so close to you and you left me. i’m scared to be drunk and have fun like a normal college student likes to be, partly because i have so much pain from you because you left me, and i’m scared of what i would be.

    i’ve been so hurt by you, and i can’t believe that you could do something like this to your own family. i don’t think i could ever speak to you again. i’ve moved on, but sometimes i just feel so hurt inside and i hate what you’ve done. sometimes i’m pretty sure i hate you. and thats such a strong word and it’s a terrible thing to say, but you did a terrible thing that caused so much hurt to so many people.

    i honestly hope you are miserable and unhappy. you have all these wonderful kids who are successful and smart and grandkids who cute and funny and growing up so fast. and you abandoned your family for some reason, and there is nothing worse than that in my mind. i wish i could hear your explanation of why you haven’t spoke to us in all these years. i wish i had some closure. but despite what you’ve done, i’m happy. i love my life. i’ve moved on, but there will always be a part of me that wonders why.

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