• I Can’t Stand It!

    by  • February 25, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    Dear Tyler,

    I have so much to tell you, so much to ask you, but I know you won’t hear it. I know you won’t care. Even if you did, I suppose I wouldn’t have the nerve to tell you, to see you look down on me with that pitying expression on your face.

    I told you I loved you…and you said you loved me, too. I believed you. Foolish as it was, I believed you. You were my first love, and it ran deeper than anything I’ve ever known. At first, I was afraid. Afraid to pour my heart and soul into something that may not last. I was afraid to lose everything, but unless I gave all that I had, it wouldn’t be true, I wouldn’t be happy. I remember you had smiled at me that day and told me I could trust you. Back then you were my closest friend and I really did want to trust you. So I tried. Despite my brain’s desperate cries of ‘this is a mistake!’, my heart decided to let you in.

    Those first two weeks were wonderful; I hadn’t been that happy ever in my life! Nothing could recreate that feeling, that feeling of finally knowing love after all these years of being quiet and alone, left on the side, unnoticed. I felt that I had finally met someone that was worth the risk of pain, yet I trusted you to never put me through anything of the sort.

    Looking back now, I realize my heart was a fool. Why did I believe you? Why didn’t I listen to reason? You were nothing but a liar, but I don’t understand. Why did you lie? What good was that? You didn’t even want to tell anyone we had been together…and now you’re parading around the school grounds, holding her hand. I don’t understand! What did I do to deserve that? Just being suddenly treated as if I didn’t exist and then being dropped, without a second thought, for some other girl? You said I could trust you; what a farce!

    I had loved you as truly as I possibly could. I loved you for every flaw, for every fault, for everything about you! And all I asked that you loved me in return. I sacrificed so much to try to make you happy, but you never seemed to appreciate any of it. You didn’t even seem to notice.

    To be honest, though, I did think, at some point, that you deserved better than me. Being with me never seemed to make you as happy as it made me. I was willing to hold on for as long as you’d let me, but I was also willing to let go if you wanted me to, if it would make you happy. Part of me actually knew this would happen; I had a feeling that you loved her more than me.

    But now I question whether you loved me in the first place! You’re nothing but a liar, really! If you had told me you didn’t love me anymore, perhaps we would have parted on a better note. But, instead, you decided to pretend that I didn’t even exist at all. One day you were mine, the next day, you announce that you’re going out with Michelle. I have no animosity towards her; she did me know wrong and I respect her for being such a kind and gentle soul. You probably haven’t even told her that we were together, huh? I just can’t believe that you would do that. I can’t believe that you would just drop me, out of the blue, as I mean nothing to you, as if I’m nothing but a worthless piece of trash that you’ve been hanging on to for too long.

    And what was that you said afterwards? ‘Build a bridge and get over it; it’s not as hard as you think it is’? Just because I couldn’t bear to look at you the next day? What kind of heartlessly cruel persons says things like that? Couldn’t you even try to understand?

    You are definitely not the person I used to know before. You are not the boy that had once been my closest friend, that I had stayed up late talking to, that had said that we ‘share a brain’. You are nothing but a stranger. But I guess I can’t deny it; I still love you. Or at least, the you I used to know. But whichever way it is, the one I love is unreachable.

    I guess I just can’t stand the fact that you lied. The fact that you acted as if I didn’t exist, completely forgot about me, dropped me for another girl without speaking a single word to me, and then treating me like nothing, like some worthless scrap of rubbish that just happens to be there. I guess I can’t take the fact that I’m alone and broken, while you’re happy with her. I know I should be happy for you, to some extend. After all, it’s the noble thing to do, but I want happiness, too! And when I lost you, I lost what little joy I had. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

    Related Post

    Leave a Reply