• Here goes nothing

    by  • February 25, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 1 Comment

    Telling someone how you feel about them isn’t always easy. You have no idea how they’re going to react to the things you tell them. Maybe they’ll reject you, laugh at you and then make fun of you with all of their friends. Or, maybe your words will sweep them off their feet and they’ll start to fall in love with you. In reality, the person you have feelings for will probably reject you. We don’t live in a fairytale where everyone always gets the person that they want. But, for this letter, let’s pretend that we do… because I want you to know how I feel about you, and I want to believe that there’s hope for you and I.

    Here goes nothing:

    I’m crazy about you. No, I didn’t say that I liked you. And no, I definitely do not love you. But I think about you more than I want to. I literally drive myself crazy thinking about you. Hence: I’m crazy about you.

    I wonder what you’re like when you’re not drunk. I wonder what you’re like when you’re around your friends. And I wonder what you’re like when it’s just you.

    I wish I could go back to the day we met. I would have sobered up before I introduced myself to you. I wish you wouldn’t have had to leave so soon. At first I thought you came into my life to boost my self esteem. You’re stunning, and if I can get you, I can get anyone. That’s what I thought at least. At the time, it only made sense that that’s why I met you… Why else would life introduce me to you and then take you away from me almost immediately? Now I wish I would have realized what life was really handing me.

    You’re gone now, and I have all of these questions that can’t be answered. Like: What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What are your biggest dreams, and what are your biggest fears? Do you see that I smile uncontrollably when I’m around you? Can you tell that you make me nervous? And, could you fall in love with me?

    That last question is powerful, I know. I can’t help but think about it though. I don’t even know if you’ve ever been in love before. If you haven’t, can I be your first? You wouldn’t be mine, but you could be my last… if you wanted.

    Is it crazy that I think about these things, yet I’m telling you that I’m not in love with you? I wonder if that’s even believable. It may not be, but it’s true. I can’t fall in love with you when there’s a possibility that you’re far from the person that I think you are. I’m sure that’s a defense mechanism of some sort.

    Certain things that you’ve told me replay over and over in my head. Specifically, “you were the first person I saw when I walked in” and “I just want to see you.” Granted, you were drunk when you said those things, and so was I. Maybe that’s why I replay those words… I don’t know if you meant them, or if you were just drunk. Screw the whole ‘a drunk mind speaks a sober heart’ concept. I don’t believe in that, which makes it harder for me to know if you meant some of the things that you’ve told me.

    As I sat here and decided that I would wait to tell you in person what’s been on my mind, you found someone else. They make you happy, and your happiness is tied to mine. Therefore, I’m happy. Believe that, because whenever I think about your smile, I can’t help but to smile.

    I wish it were me making you happy though. What if waiting was the wrong idea? Maybe I should have just told you how I felt from the beginning. It’s just difficult to share something with someone when you don’t even know how to explain it to yourself.

    The problem with me is: if I want something (or in this case, someone), I don’t stop until I get it. Or at least until I’m told that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never get it. So.. would it be crazy of me to tell you that I’ll wait? That I won’t give up until you tell me there’s no chance?

    “Don’t follow your dreams, chase them.” I think about you when I see that quote. I can’t expect you to come to me, again. Life introduced me to you once. Now it’s time for me to chase you. That’s how I feel. I may be chasing after nothing, but I’ve never been one to live my life with ‘what ifs.’

    I may be wrong about all of this. It wouldn’t be the first time my heart lied to me. But for now, my heart’s telling me to not give up on you. So I won’t… I won’t give up until I’m shown something that will change my mind about you. You may be surprised at how patient I can be. I may even surprise myself.

    So now you know, I’m playing a waiting game that I could end up losing. But my heart’s telling me you’re worth the risk. I hope you are.

    Related Post

    One Response to Here goes nothing

    1. LP
      February 25, 2012 at 6:46 pm

      i’ve been in that position before, but you’re a better person for wanting to pursue whoever he is. don’t stop until you know for sure it can never happen, because you’ll regret it forever. i know i do.



    Leave a Reply