Repairing my friendship with you this year has been such a joy to me. I wasn’t exaggerating when I told you back in November that you are seriously the best thing that has ever happened to me at this crazy college town. I meant it then and I mean it now: you’re the deepest relationship I’ve ever had with another human being in my almost 28 years of life on this blue dot. But for some reason that you don’t want to share with me, we’ve been drifting apart since the 21st.
I know I haven’t always been the boy brought here to bring you joy, but I’d like to think in our last 2 months here at university – before we blaze our own awesome separate paths in life – that I could at least try.
My greatest hope has been that before I graduate and before you leave for study abroad in May, that we could rebuild our relationship on a more solid & stable foundation of trust and open communication, forever banishing jealousy and over-analyzation of each other’s behavior.
I feel I’m straying into those last 2 by you not following the first 2, and it pains me to think we’re going through yet another dumb cycle of miscommunication.
Don’t get me wrong, I am still glad you broke up with me, or else I would have never learned the lessons I was supposed to learn. And for that, I am forever grateful to you. You showed me so much about myself, how I can interact negatively in a group, my unrealized issues with my father, and you even spurred me to go to therapy to confront my history of being sexually abused.
Those are gifts you have given me for the rest of my life.
I’m crying as I’m typing this, because it was only after all the shit we went through – that I partly put us through – did I realize that I truly did love you for you.
I know how much you hate that word, and I hate how superficially it is used too, but how else can I describe my ex – MY EX – visiting me when I was in the hospital for internal bleeding for almost a week when no one else did?
How else can I explain my favorite physical feature of yours being your smile. Nothing sexual, not even a normal standard of physical beauty, but the way your grin is mischievous and yet caring at the same when it curls up into the corners of your mouth like a Cheshire cat. Oh how I love your smile!
I wish I could put that smile into a box so I could look at it every time I felt down or out.
Ugh, I feel weird typing this out about you, as I had no idea we would ever get to this point from our shallow beginnings at greek life parties that I choose your friggin’ smile as your best physical attribute lol but it’s so true. Your smile is a window into the soul of a beautiful, loving, compassionate, and genuine free spirit.
It makes me sad that we seem to entering another cold period, but I just want to let you know that I am so thankful for having you in my life at all. Every moment I’ve gotten the pleasure of sharing with you – whether it has been sitting next to you in class, watching TED talks, or even just walking with you on campus between classes – I’ve cherished every single one of them because they involved YOU.
I’ll miss making new moments with you in the future, but I am still so grateful that I have had the pleasure of knowing you, having you in my life, if even it was just for a moment in time.