Over a year ago now… We ended our relationship. We had been through so much together. So fucking much. I don’t regret the end of “Us” which is why I will never send this. I don’t want to bring any pain back to you. I’m so sorry for causing you pain, if there is one thing in my whole life that I wish I could change it would be that. I regret it every day of my life. I am SO sorry…
I regret losing you as a friend. I often wonder how you’re doing and if you have someone new. I hope so, I hope you’re so in love… I hope you found someone who is amazing and ten thousand times better for you than I was because I wasn’t any good for you. Not in the end.We wanted different things and had become complacent with one another. We fed eachothers worst habits rather than the good. We allowed eachother to fall, to be lazy, to be nothing more than alive.
I do miss you and have thought about you every day since the last that I saw you. I am proud of you for walking away and never looking back. Even though it was I that pulled the trigger it hurt that you never tried to talk to me again but I understood and I understand now. We both lost a huge chunk of our lives and I hope someday you will at least not hate me. I don’t hate you and I never did. I just realized that for your sake more than mine we had to end. Neither of us was happy and I was tired of it. Being unhappy and being the one causing someone elses unhappiness. It got to be too much and I couldn’t do it anymore.
I just wish I could send this to you. I just wish I could let you know that there will always be a place in my heart for you and that if you ever needed me for anything that I would be there. In a heartbeat… I miss a lot of things. I miss listening to the talk station and debating about the different issues brought up. I miss walking stoned in the middle of the night through the worst neighborhoods for kicks, I miss drinking and playing cards, watching horror movies and old sci-fi tv shows.
I know this doesn’t make anything better and I know I hurt you very badly but… It was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. When you told me to NEVER talk to you again a big part of me died. I never wanted to hurt you. It was never my intention. I am so sorry. I don’t blame you in the least for never wanting to talk to me or see me again. Like I said I’m proud that you were able to walk away and brush yourself off. I wasn’t, it may have seemed that way to you. I know you were getting some info on my life afterwards. It seemed as if I was ok and happy but I cried myself to sleep every night.
I hope you never read this. I hope that wherever you are you are happy, healthy and have the best friend and lover that you never really had in me. I hope you never think of me and that I’m just a dark fuzzy blur. That’s really all I should be to you. It wouldn’t be worth your time to be thinking of me.
I have never really felt closure from us before. I guess this is my way of getting it without risking putting you through any more garbage. Goodbye and may your future be bright and fulfilling.