Dear Supposed Love of My Life,
Why am I second guessing everything? When I’m here and you’re there, I miss you. Whenever you’re here though, I don’t think I want you to be. I don’t mean that crudely, but there really is not any other way to say it. Whenever I’m here, I think about you most of time: your smile, your kiss, your touch, your laugh, & your arms around me. That all seems to fade away though when you’re here. You don’t make me feel like I daydream you do. We have some really good times when you stay with me, but you never seem really interested. When I tell you something, you don’t seem to care what I have to say. You certainly don’t want to hear my thoughts anymore and I can tell either from you literally saying so or just the faces you make when you tune me out. I know you’re not outgoing & I know you like the same routine. I’ve known this for years & have always seemed to be okay with it. Maybe college has changed me more than I thought. I just want to feel again when I’m with you. Our spark just is not there anymore. Maybe it’s that we both have changed so much over the years or it could be we just lost ‘us’. What I’m truly scared of is…. I want something more.
We’ve been together so long, I really don’t see a way out. Perhaps that’s what is truly scary: I can’t escape & truly don’t know how. Then when I think about leaving, I can’t do it. Hell, even after seeing a photo of another girl on top of you, I still can’t leave you. There’s something just holding me back. Okay it’s not just something it’s a whole mess of some things. If we were to move on, could I really be with someone else? I don’t know how anymore and I’m too selfish to let you go. Truly, I could not deal with seeing you love someone else. That would kill me. Thinking that very thought that seeing you with someone else would kill me makes me think I’m still in love with you. But, then I think that it’s not just about us anymore. We are so tied together after all these years. Families & friends are involved. I could not deal with not seeing your sister, niece, or nephew… To walk out, means I’m walking out on more than just you… Baby, I can’t walk out on you & I can’t break anyone’s heart especially yours.
The sad part of all that is…. I feel so selfish to have these thoughts. When you treat me the way you do though: snapping at me, not telling me things, closing me out, never caring enough to ask me how I’m doing or about my day, or making sure I know what comes before me in your life… I feel like I’m an idiot. How could I feel so trapped with someone when I’m only 19 years old! So what that we’ve been together for most of my life! When we were younger, you never would have treated me like this. I thought it could only get better from there. I was wrong. How can I feel bad for thinking about leaving when how you treat me is why I want to leave. I see others relationship and get so upset thinking you would never do anything like that for me. I watch as my friends go off and experience college. You have ruined my perception of other guys. Really, I can’t think of anyone else. Then there’s the friends who have also been together for years and well their men are more devoted to them than breathing. I’m not saying I want you to worship the ground I walk… I just… Just want you to be in love with me again.
Maybe it is me. Maybe I’m asking too much. I don’t want to change you because that’s terribly wrong to ask of someone and people don’t change unless they want to. I know you won’t because you don’t want to. I want you, but I want the old you. Still when I lay in your arms, I know there is no one else I could possibly want. When you’re gone, I daydream about you. Then we are just talking doing nothing, you make me randomly feel like I’m nothing. Do I just stop caring about it? Go numb and just think of all the good memories we have and keep letting these awful feelings go? I see all the other girls from home settling into their lives having babies getting married…. Should I just give you that? Maybe we’d be happy again.
If I tell anyone about this, they are going to say ” well, have you talked to him yet?” Of course, I have talked to you. You say you’re trying & that’s all you can do. I don’t see any progress; never have. So I tell my friends I don’t see a point in telling you again when you never want to fix what’s wrong because its really is impossible. Our problems can’t be fixed. So I guess I’ll just put my ring back on. Tell you I’ve changed my mind & do want to be engaged again. I’ll bury all this so far back in my mind: the carelessness, lap dance, lies, selfishness, wishful thinking, & being in love. I’ll forget it all. Just for you. It’s not like I have another choice, right? I can’t leave you. Our lives are too entwined together. I don’t want to divide up our stuff, friends, families. I don’t want to be in the arms of someone else. It’s just you. I pray someone something changes. God, I just want to be happy again.
Your Hopelessly Devoted Gal