It’s alright to shut down. To take whatever you are feeling and twist it up tight and push it to some small corner inside of you. How I deal or how you deal is your business. Everyone has to deal in their own time, in their own way.
There is always going to be someone there to judge. To say, “That’s not right. Don’t do it that way.” But those people aren’t you and those people aren’t me and they don’t live our lives. Maybe if everyone wasn’t so busy telling everyone else how to live their lives, there might be a little more happiness in this world. Maybe. But maybe not. Maybe we need the sadness. Even more than the happiness. We are all just a bunch of miserable, heartbroken bastards, after all. We judge our happiness by how much we aren’t hurting instead of finding what makes us happy.
But I digress. The point is that it’s okay. It’s okay if you hate me. It’s okay if you feel absolutely nothing at all towards me. It’s okay if you want to punch me in the face (mostly because I know you won’t). Not that you need my approval or permission. But it’s all okay.
There’s no right or wrong way to feel. And there’s no right or wrong way to deal. As long as you aren’t trying to hurt someone else…rage. Shake your fist at your God equivalent and scream shenanigans. Punch a wall. Or sit quietly in your room. Wrap your cloak of solace around you and breathe.
We got a bullshit deal. Nothing turned out how we wanted it to. And it sucks balls. I hate it and I hate myself for hurting you. But I can’t undo any more than you can. We both broke it and we both have to live with the fact that our lives are richer without each other in them. It’s not going to be easy. You’ve been in my life a long time. And I’m going to miss you more than I miss any living soul. But I also know that I can’t have you in without repeating a toxic pattern. And if we don’t learn lessons, we don’t learn life.
So as much as it hurts me and as much as I hate it…it’s time for me to move on. What was, was. It simply is not what will be. That doesn’t mean we can’t both still make something beautiful of our lives. And damn it. I am going to try.
I hope one day you can find something beautiful. Something that lasts. I’m content in knowing I helped you get there. I will let that be enough and wish you the very best.