• It’s alright

    by  • February 23, 2012 • Acceptance • 2 Comments

    It’s alright to shut down. To take whatever you are feeling and twist it up tight and push it to some small corner inside of you. How I deal or how you deal is your business. Everyone has to deal in their own time, in their own way.

    There is always going to be someone there to judge. To say, “That’s not right. Don’t do it that way.” But those people aren’t you and those people aren’t me and they don’t live our lives. Maybe if everyone wasn’t so busy telling everyone else how to live their lives, there might be a little more happiness in this world. Maybe. But maybe not. Maybe we need the sadness. Even more than the happiness. We are all just a bunch of miserable, heartbroken bastards, after all. We judge our happiness by how much we aren’t hurting instead of finding what makes us happy.

    But I digress. The point is that it’s okay. It’s okay if you hate me. It’s okay if you feel absolutely nothing at all towards me. It’s okay if you want to punch me in the face (mostly because I know you won’t). Not that you need my approval or permission. But it’s all okay.

    There’s no right or wrong way to feel. And there’s no right or wrong way to deal. As long as you aren’t trying to hurt someone else…rage. Shake your fist at your God equivalent and scream shenanigans. Punch a wall. Or sit quietly in your room. Wrap your cloak of solace around you and breathe.

    We got a bullshit deal. Nothing turned out how we wanted it to. And it sucks balls. I hate it and I hate myself for hurting you. But I can’t undo any more than you can. We both broke it and we both have to live with the fact that our lives are richer without each other in them. It’s not going to be easy. You’ve been in my life a long time. And I’m going to miss you more than I miss any living soul. But I also know that I can’t have you in without repeating a toxic pattern. And if we don’t learn lessons, we don’t learn life.

    So as much as it hurts me and as much as I hate it…it’s time for me to move on. What was, was. It simply is not what will be. That doesn’t mean we can’t both still make something beautiful of our lives. And damn it. I am going to try.

    I hope one day you can find something beautiful. Something that lasts. I’m content in knowing I helped you get there. I will let that be enough and wish you the very best.
    Take care.

    2 Responses to It’s alright

    1. DC
      February 23, 2012 at 6:14 pm

      I have decided that happiness is a delusion we talk ourselves into. We learn to overlook things we don’t like to focus on the things we do like. But those things we don’t like are still there, undercurrents in the flow.

      Then things get tough as they always do in any relationship because “perfect” doesn’t exist. That’s when the water level drops and what was causing minor eddies and sworls become rocks ready to rip out the bottom of the love boat.

      That is when the delusion is tested, when the fantasy called love is called on to steer the boat around the rocks to calmer, deeper waters. Too often it seems the love is not strong enough on both sides, or only one side is strong enough. The boat takes two to navigate and faltering on either side (cheating, lying, taking the easy way out, whatever) wins out. The hull is smashed, the two people flounder.

      Sometimes they find their way to shore and tend to each other’s bruises and scrapes. More often then not, though, they end up on opposite shores, or one drowns in the fast-moving currents. Sometimes both cry out for the other but the damage is too severe. Sometimes only one cries out and the other either doesn’t hear or just lacks the strength to brave the currents again. The most tragic is the one the being called to has moved too far down the shoreline leaving the other lost on the opposite shore. It is the most tragic because it represents the possibility of what might have been.

      Moving on is sometimes hard for both people and that is the hardest; one text message, one glance in a random encounter and it’s on again. Same lines, same verse, same rhythm – same outcome more often than not. But every now and then, when the rocks in the ocean are in the right alignment and four wolves howl at the moon, it works.

      There is no science to it all, no real rules to follow other than be kind and considerate. If that fails, then at least you tried. Go towel off, put on dry clothes and pole the boat off from shore again looking for another castaway who wants to ride in your boat.

      Every attempt made is an adventure. Every failed relationship is a route to be avoided or, at best, tried a different way.

      Good luck to us all in our travels.

    2. the author S
      February 24, 2012 at 4:56 am

      Happiness is not an illusion. I don’t think that. I simply think people tend to choose their pain over their happiness a little too often. There is something beautiful out there for everyone. But you have to want it. You have to recognize when it isn’t there and be strong enough to walk away. You have to stop trying to make what isn’t what you want it to be. On the other side of the coin, you have to be wise and well-adjusted enough to recognize when the right thing IS there.
      It is my belief and simply mine because I don’t speak for others that when it’s over, you have to let go. Loving someone is allowing them to be who they are, allowing them to take the path they are meant to take without standing in their way. Sometimes the path leads back to you but sometimes it doesn’t. I make my own path and I live my own life and my ultimate belief is that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some come to teach a lesson then leave, some come to stay awhile, and some stay forever. But not everyone stays. That’s life. Checks and balances. I’m not saying let fate lead your life. I’m just saying I believe people should learn to accept a little more or they will be burned out and bitter before they ever find a lasting love.

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