• i still miss you

    by  • February 23, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Grief • 0 Comments

    I’m lonely. I’m so damn lonely. I live with 3 strangers. One that I actually like. 2 that drive me crazy. I don’t know if I like this new school. It’s really not much better than the old one at all. Im really starting to feel like this is just the way it is now. This is my life. I’m always going to feel so alone all the time. I don’t know how to go meet new people. I’m too awkard and feel like I would just be bugging them or something. I feel like a freak, and idk why. I feel like people don’t want to be arround me. I feel like I’m plain and boring and don’t really have much of anything to offer to the world. I miss you so much. I miss feeling like I belong somewhere. I’ve only ever truly felt that when I was with you. Now you are gone. The only Cody time I get is at the cemetary, and now I’m too far away to just drive there and talk to you. That doesn’t even really help any more. It’s just as lonely. I miss how things used to be. I miss high school. I thought things were so hard but they werent. I had it so fucking easy. Sure, I had some serious body issues that caused me a lot of shit that I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life, but I also had you. I had a lot of friends who truly cared about me. I had good grades. I had fun. I felt loved. I’d gladly go back to my “bb” days if it meant I could be with you again. Idc how dark of a place it was there. It’s dark here. I’m fatter. I’m scared. I have no one like I had you. I miss being so close to another person. It’s not fair. Why did you leave? Why didn’t you realize that suicide isn’t the answer? I still feel responsible I hope you know. As your best friend, I should have seen it coming. Maybe thats why I can’t be friends with new people. I’m scared that I will just let them down. Or they will let me down. People let people down. Thats all they do. You put ALL of your fucking trust into someone and invest your entire life in the relationship you have with them. And they let you down. They leave you alone to fend for yourself. They make you depend on them and then they leave you behind to pick up the fucking pieces. It sucks. They past two years of my life I have not been living. I have been hating life and I’m so sick of it. I’m sick of hating life Cody. I’m sick of missing you. I’m sick of sucking at EVERYTHING. I’m sick of trial and error. I wish you didn’t give up. You had me. I have no one, and I’m still here. Although some days I really just wish I wasnt. I need you. I need someone. Any one to just care. Anyone to be close to and make me feel like I am the most important thing to them. This is not too much to ask. everyone diserves to feel like that. I felt like that with you. and now Im lost. 2 years later and i still cant pick up the pieces. I cant solve the shit puzzle with 1000 missing parts that you left me with. I’m still so mad at you and so dissapointed in both of us. And at the same time I still miss you more than I could possibly express in this letter. I just want to be with you. I just want to feel you hold me. I want to hear you tell me you love me more than anything and everything will be alright. I want to hear you tell me to calm down and quit overreacting. I want you to punch me in the face, Idc. I just want YOU TO BE HERE. It doesn’t matter what you do, just come back. Please, I need you. I need you more than I’ve ever needed anything in my life. I told myself I would be ok. I lied.

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