Everybody is strong. Everybody that is living is strong enough to still be alive. Living, in and of itself is just plain tough. With the mean girls, tough bosses, heartache, love, loss, despair, joy and everything else, it’s a wonder that we make it out even partially sane. Strength isn’t measured in the weight of a dumbbell, but in the weight of the words you use, and the feelings you give to others. Strength is measured in how you compose your own story. Strength is being able to hold your beautiful face towards the sky even when it rains.
Everybody has a weak point, something that brings them to their knees- no matter what. For some it is death, for others it may be heartache. For me, it is love. Not love lost, mind you, but love itself. I can deal with the idiot that decides he doesn’t want to be with me. I can be sad for a few days and eat my weight in dark chocolate chips, but I’m ok.
See, love sucks. It might not suck for you, but it sucks for me. It makes me crazy, irrational, insecure. I don’t know why, I have no deep insight, no childhood trauma that would lead to this, it just is. It is just plain scary, love is. The fact that someone has the power to make you feel more amazing than you have ever felt before is so addictive, but with that comes the power to make you feel equally as insignificant. Maybe that is my problem with love- the emotions.
I’m perfectly able to handle my own emotions when I’m the only one involved. When nobody else’s feelings are in play, I can pick myself up and dust myself off after almost anything. I’ve lost people very close to me to illness, accidents and suicide. I’ve watched people I love hurt me and others around them for, what seemed to be, no reason. Needless to say, I’ve done the whole heartache thing a few times. But love, I can’t wrap my mind around it.
For whatever reason, as soon as the “L” word is spoken, everything changes. The person I was changes. Expectations change. At first, it’s all for the better, but then it doesn’t stop. I get jealous, angry, suspicious, lonely… This isn’t to say I’m a total psycho; I have some great qualities- I love to take care of my partner. Physically, sexually, emotionally they are 100% taken care of, if they’ll let me. I love to show them that I love them in small, discreet ways. They’ll never wonder. But for whatever reason, I cannot seem to shake the crazy inside of me.
I try. Don’t think I don’t try. I try to let things that I know in my head are miniscule go, but for some reason my heart tells me not to. I always end up bringing up tiny, little issues that needn’t even be discussed- unless you’re crazy like I am. And as much as I know all of this, I just can’t seem to figure out how to do it right.
Every 11:11 I make a wish to “chill out” or to “let it go.” I want so badly to just stay the same person I was when I was fallen in love with. I dare to say, it is the thing I want most in this world. Maybe I want it so badly because I am at a loss as to how to obtain it. I have not one single clue what to do.
This love thing is my weak point. It’s the one thing in my life that I cannot control, that I cannot predict, that I cannot understand.