You are gone right now, somewhere out there. I saw the pictures you posted this past weekend of your daughter. I am bummed I wasn’t there. But who knows when you took those pictures? Just like you don’t know that I am sick right now. I am tired of this distance between us.
I love you. I miss you. You are the only person that sticks in my mind. I can feel you missed me too, today at least. I keep playing over and over again in my head about what you said, the pictures you left etched in my head, when you said, ‘do you see?’ I know how much it meant to you, how much you love me. I just wish we were closer.
I am finally getting better. This depression that has been following me around since I had the abortion is finally lifting. It has been over a year and a half. I still look at other mothers and wonder ‘what if’. I think about getting pregnant by you and never telling you. How easy that would be. How I could have both you and baby both tied up in one person for eternity. I love you, and I am scared about getting pregnant after last time. It hasn’t been easy to find my way out of this maze of darkness. I am beginning to have dreams and visions again. I have to work hard to feel alive, to stay connected. I have to try. I have given up ever being like normal people. I have to admit, I have a Profile up on Match. I can’t even consider anyone else, but I figure that I will try.
It is odd being a legend sometimes. So many people love me because of their preceptions. I feel I fall drastically short in real life. You love me as I am. I just wish you were here now. I am lonely, but I am never alone. You haunt my dreams and my nightmares.
I wish I could tell you all of this, but I can’t. I don’t know how you would take it. I leave for South America in a couple of months. I keep thinking I should have a fling there with some hot backpacker. It is you that I see when I close my eyes, no matter how hot the guy may be. It is you.