I can’t stop thinking about you. You are on my mind every single moment of every single day. There is so much I want to say and so many questions I want to ask. Since I can’t actually say or ask these things in person, I will pour my heart out on this page instead.
First of all, I don’t want you to think I am “that” kind of person. You know, the kind that could stab her best friend in the back by cheating with her husband. I’m really not that person, at least I never thought I would be. Some people would probably say it was no big deal. I mean, it’s not like we slept together or anything. It was simply a kiss; well, a couple of kisses actually. But I know how badly she would be hurt if she were to ever find out. I’m not a slut who makes a habit of cheating on her husband either. It’s just different with you.
When we first met way back then, I knew from the beginning that we would be very good friends. We just hit it off right away. And you have truly became one of my best friends. We have been there for each other so many times. We have laughed together, cried together, celebrated the good times and supported each other through the hard times. I don’t know the words to say to express everything that our friendship means to me.
All my life I have been told that a man and a woman can’t be just friends. I used to disagree with that. After all, I have always had more guy friends than girl friends my whole life, and I knew it was possible. But that was before I met you. As the years have passed, my feelings for you have changed. I still think of you as my best friend; that part hasn’t changed and I pray it never will. I can’t put my finger on the exact moment in time that I began to fall in love with you. I just realized one day that I was. I couldn’t deny it any longer, not even to myself. I continued to act like I always had around you (at least, I hope I was because I sure was trying to be normal). But deep down in my heart, I knew my love for you would never change. I had no intentions of ever letting it show, not even when it was just the two of us together and no one else was around. I am a married woman. You are a married man, who’s married to my best friend, which makes me feel even worse for loving you the way I do.
You never gave even the slightest hint that you were interested in me as a woman. I know how much you love her. So what was different that day? Why did you suddenly kiss me, right out of the blue like that? And the way you kissed me and held me, what was up with that? I honestly don’t think you want to hurt her any more than I do. But the way you kissed me, so tenderly, so gently, yet burning with passion. Do you care for me in the same way that I care for you? Or was it just a physical need? Were you just hoping to “get lucky”? My head keeps telling me that is all it was to you, nothing more than just purely physical desire. Yet, I know I am not a physically desirable woman so I don’t get it. My heart is playing tug of war in my chest. I know nothing can ever be between us, but that kiss felt like a kiss a man gives a woman he truly cares for. It FELT like maybe, just maybe you care a lot more for me than you should. Am I crazy? Is this just wishful thinking? And what difference would it make either way, really? I just wish I knew what you were feeling that day. What was going through your mind during that kiss? And what made you want to kiss me at that exact moment? If you do care for me that way, how long have you felt this way about me? Do you wish we could be together? Or are you regretting what you did? Do you ever think back on that day, relive those moments again in your mind? When you kiss her, are you ever thinking about me, part of you wishing it was me you were kissing again instead?
I want you to know that part of me is sorry that kiss ever happened. The part of me that loves her as my best friend and can’t stand the thoughts of causing her pain. But the rest of me, the selfish part of me, will never regret those moments, however brief they were, that I spent in your arms, sharing your kisses. I do think back and remember that day, relive in my mind the sweetness of your kiss, the tenderness, the passion simmering just under the surface. When I kiss him, I think of you, way too often. I do love him. I promise I do. I don’t want to see him hurt either. But I can’t deny that I am haunted by the memory of your kiss. I can’t deny how bad I miss you and how much I wish I could see you and spend time with you every day, even if it’s as just friends. Part of me is scared to death that I’m gonna lose your friendship too. Truth be told, that is the whole reason I can’t find the courage to be honest about the way I feel. I’m afraid that it will seem too weird to be my friend after that. It would be just too painful to lose your friendship too. I hope you think of me often, as selfish as that sounds. I hope I’m not in this hopeless, no-win situation all by myself. The pain would almost be worth it to know that I am important to you too, that you miss me, that part of you wishes we could be together, that you truly care for me as much as I care for you.
I suppose I will never know the answers to these questions that haunt me. I deserve to suffer for crossing that line and giving in to my own selfish desires, my own selfish needs. I just hope that I don’t lose you as my friend too, that might just be more pain than I can bear. I will close this letter by saying that I miss you, my forbidden love. Be safe, be happy.