After two years off at college, having fun, doing well in class, making a ton of great friends, I’ve been forced to move back home. You made me go to school at the university I did because the older sibling was still in college and his major cost way too much so the family didn’t have enough money for me to go to the university I really wanted.
So after spending a year hating being up north, I finally found friends and a good time during the second year. But then the older sibling graduated and I could go to the college of my choice, yet I didn’t get to again. I wanted to go to Alaska, and study there because I could have dual majored in both languages that I wanted. But no, I was practically railroaded, by you, into going to this university. One that I never wanted to go to. But it offers my major, is more expensive, but I can live at home, with you. ……yay….. 🙁
But I agreed because I can’t pay for school by myself and I need your financial help, so here I am, driving a half hour every day, to and from school. Something that stresses me out like no one’s business, but now I’m starting to look forward to that long drive because it means that I finally get some time to myself. Away from you, away from dad, away from your cigarette smoke that makes me gag and throw up. And it’s right back to me being treated like a kid. I know I have no grounds to say I’m an adult, treat me like it because I have to live at home and can’t get a job because having class from eleven to five really doesn’t allow for any shifts I would be able to work, that and apparently two years as a cashier isn’t worth anything anymore.
Still, I can’t talk to you because any inflection or variation of tone in my voice means I’m mad at you, which is hardly ever the case. Or the fact that I gesticulate when I talk means that I hate you because all of the gestures I do apparently convey aggression.
But you are right, I am so unbelievably miserable right now, I’m starting to realize that I’m in over my head in my major and I don’t really see a way to crawl out of it. All of my other classes are labor intensive and have a lot of reading. And trying to learn two languages at once doubles the time you have to spend learning everything. And I’m miserable because I feel like I’m an absolutely worthless person because I’m doing terrible at school and can’t get a job at all. I feel like shit because I really don’t have any friends down here anymore and the two I have I can’t do anything with because I have to spend so much time trying to study. And most of all, I’m miserable because I’m living at home, because at least when I was up north, I could get a break from you. Because I get no breaks, when I’m not sleeping, eating or in class, I’m studying desperately trying to keep up with my language classes.
And I just wish that you would realize how depressed and angry I am at myself, and figure out that none of it is directed at you.