Losing you and your friendship has been an incredibly intense grieving process for me. I would have liked to think that “letting go” meant just being able to drop it and move on, as if nothing had really happened, or as I imagine it would magically work if I were enlightened.
However, the grief moves through me in waves. Sometimes, I feel very much accepting of the situation and as if I have moved past it. Then, suddenly, something I see or think or smell or taste will trigger in me a sudden release of completely gripping sadness.
Part of me is really ashamed to feel so sad about “losing” someone that I wasn’t actively in a relationship with. Why does it matter so much? We were just friends. I tell myself.
However, I know deep down exactly why. It is because in my short 26 years on this planet, I have never ever met anyone who brings my soul so alive. I never felt so deeply understood, connected, or whole in the presence of another. I have never felt so at home before.
I recognize in a major way that this meeting was one of the most powerful learning experiences in my life as far as mate selection. Now, I know what I want it to feel like to be with my partner. I know how it feels to be just totally over the moon in love with someone.
I often think back to the first day we spent together. That day was one of the most beautiful days of my life. Such a perfect lunch. The best bookstore I had even been to. Hiking in the Presidio. Walking the roofs of China Town. Listening to the eerie and magical sounds of the wave organ. Another wonderful meal for dinner. Curling up for live music and tea and reading in a cafe. Watching the sun set and the city sparkle from up that hill together. Your arm around me. I was so incredibly happy when I got home, that I cried from pure joy. Nothing has ever made me do that before. Ever.
Ultimately, I am so grateful to you for even having had the chance to know you or spend time with you at all. Ultimately, I want you to be happy even if for you that means not having any further connection with me. Ultimately, I want to respect your boundaries because I respect and love you. It is not easy for me to not talk to you.
Ever since the day you first “hit the wall”, there has been a part of me that has wanted absolutely nothing but to bring it down. I didn’t want to do it forcefully – I had no intention of blowing it up or hurting it. I wanted to negotiate and show enough love and respect that hopefully we could reach a place where a treaty could be made and that wall could be dismantled brick my brick. Slowly and safely. It would be seen that there was nothing that one needed to protect themselves from on the other side. That there was no need for the wall in the first place.
I wish I had known how to tell you these things without being afraid or acting jealous or irrational or dramatic. However, I was so scared and at moments I had my own wall up. I would clench up because I was afraid to feel so open, exposed, and undeniably vulnerable. I was afraid to be so utterly and completely in love.
I wish I could have told you clearly how very – truly – and deeply I love you.
This experience had been an opportunity for me to examine myself and how I work emotionally. What kind of games do I play? What am I still hiding from? What drives me? Why do I act the way the way I act? Am I being honest? Am I being kind? Am I being the kind of person that I really want to be in this situation?
I guess what I am working through at the moment is that I want to be the kind of person who can accept things as they are. I think I have a lot of assumptions about what that should look like and feel like. Why do I think that acceptance has to mean not experiencing emotional turmoil or grief? I keep feeling like I am failing at life when I am really just feeling life. I keep trying to keep myself from truly experiencing how much I am hurting. I am trying to be aware of the fact that true acceptance is also accepting this grief and allowing it to exist as long as it needs to.
At any rate, I want you to know that even if I am still learning how to accept myself and my emotions, I accept you wholly. I love you absolutely unconditionally. I am still learning how to do that for myself. So know too, that all of my tears, fears, and moments of intensity have been my own process and not you. At least I can see that with clarity. I am so sorry if my emotional intensity hurt you. I feel things so powerfully. And right now, I am hurting so much.
One day soon, I hope to be ready to have and hold a space for a love as true and real and nourishing as the one that has existed between us.
Your twin flame