Archive for February 20th, 2012

Well. It didn’t turn out the way I thought it would go. You are traveling. I wrote you an email last night explaining everything. Got my stomach tied up in knots with what your reaction will be when you finally read it. I just don’t want you to hate me or think that I’m awful. When I finally admitted that I loved you…

I’ll probably never hear from you again. It changes our friendship. It will never be the same. I decided that I’m tired of all those relationships where that one person lied to me for so many years. I didn’t want this to become a relationship like that but I wanted to end with honesty about how I felt. I didn’t want to hide. I didn’t want to run anymore. I just wanted to face my fears and let it out… even if it meant losing the greatest guy friend I’ve ever had in my life. At least you know the truth… and let’s be honest here… I can’t just be friends with you anymore. I just can’t. I would be lying to you and I would be putting your other relationships in jeopardy. I really do care so much about you.

I know it will ruin everything. But at least I will get the closure that I need and the strength to keep moving forward wherever it is that I’m supposed to be. I hope that you won’t be mad at me considering our situation and where we are at. You have always been understanding before…

Sometimes after writing something I hit the send button and I say to myself, “You idiot! Why did you type that? Why did you write that?” But I never had that with you. I don’t regret sending this email. I don’t regret anything and if I had to do it all over again I would. I want to tell you the truth. Even if you don’t want to hear it.

I wish we could still be friends. I hate it when the level of friendship changes and suddenly you find yourself falling for someone that you are really close to. What kills even more is when the timing is all wrong and everything is wrong. I hate ending this…because I know it will. You are a good and wonderful person so I know you will do what is right.

I just wish I could have said it to your face, but I think you were getting frustrated with wondering what it was that I was going to say and our schedules just never seemed to work out. Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe seeing your face would make me cry when I told you how I felt. But now at least it’s over and the hardest part is done with. I almost cried but I didn’t. I just felt like I lost the greatest thing most dear to me. You.

Now all I can do is wait for your reply and it’s got my stomach in knots. Will you hate me or will you understand?

I’m sorry for what I’m about to do to you.
But I can’t do this anymore.
It’s too hard.
Too unhealthy.
Please just know that this isn’t for forever.
It’s for now.
And that’s the only thing that’s going to keep me sane.
The only thing that’s going to get me through this.
The notion that one day, someday, we will be together.
Just not right now.
Not for a long time.
I love you.
So much.
But you have to do me a huge favor.
Forget me.

Please.