I don’t know why I’m writing this letter now, but it just feels like the right time. Today I was looking on your facebook, and I saw an old Note that you had posted. People were supposed to write in the comment box their favorite memories with you. Before I scrolled down to see what I wrote, I tried to think honestly about what mine would be now. The truth is that I can’t pick one, because there are so many! It seems like every moment I spend with you is the best one! But, then I thought about it harder.
I’m not sure exactly when this was, but it was pretty early on in our saga of our friendship. We were at church, the service was already over and we were waiting for Liz’s mom to pick all of us up. It really warm outside, and the sun had gone down. We were all playing out in the parking lot, running around. You were wearing a white t-shirt and black basketball shorts. Everyone started picking on me like usual, and so I made some sort of sad face. Then, you came over and said “Oh, Leah I’m sorry” and hugged me for the first time.
It was just a hug, but it felt so special. It made me feel warm, and something inside me clicked. I think over the course of that night I made you hug me at least four more times, because I wanted that same feeling again and again. That was the night I realized that I had feelings for you. This story may sound insignificant, but if you do the math from that night, that was seven years ago that I had that realization. However, that night has changed the entirety of my life.
Whether or not you have ever realized it (and considering how smart you are, I’m sure that you have) I have had feelings for you ever since that night. For all seven years, they’ve never gone away. It has been the absolute best/worst thing in my life. The best because I have the most amazing friendship with you. The memories I’ve made with you are irreplaceable, and I truly do value all of them. However, it has been so incredibly painful to experience those things as “just” a friend. I don’t know if I can honestly put into words all of the feelings and thoughts that I’ve had about you over these years.
You see, that’s the crazy thing! All these years I’ve been in love with you! Absolutely head over heels in love with you! I’ve spent seven years waiting on you to make this grand realization that maybe you felt the same way! That maybe you were just too scared to say how you felt! And even though you never did, I still kept waiting. Every time I imagine my future, for some reason you’re always a part of it! And for some reason, it just seemed so naturally concrete. It always seemed like the most natural thing in the world to me, that we would be married. And yes, I know that sounds crazy. Every logical and reasonable part of me knows that this idea is absolutely crazy and stupid. Why should I ever make decisions or plan for something that’s not even close to being a reality? And even though I know that, for some reason, I can’t stop believing that someday it will be true. It’s like every fiber in my being just knows that it’s supposed to be real, and I feel helpless fighting against it.
For years, I’ve felt so stupid for feeling this strongly about you. Like I was crazy or that something was wrong with me. And I’ve honestly tried so hard to just let go of these feelings, because it would honestly make everything so much easier. I wouldn’t have to watch you date other girls, or lay in bed at night thinking about you, or text you just so I know that you haven’t forgotten about me. And if I could let it all go, maybe I could actually have a healthy and happy relationship with some other guy, but for some reason, it just doesn’t work that way.
And to be honest, I’m not sure what I want out of this letter. I’m not sure if I want to just get all of this off my chest, or if I want you to sweep me off my feet (however, that’s not saying much, because I’ve honestly hoped you would do that every time we’ve hung out). All I know is that I’m in love with you, and more than anything, regardless of how you feel, I want to keep being your best friend. Because I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through these seven years without you. You’re such an amazing person, please stay that way.