Welcome to the Jail of Relationships, Dept. 13 (Singles-The Friend Zone). I’ll be taking care of all you little single rejects during your time here. The name’s Heart. Now, depending on how you behave during your stay here, I can either be your best friend or your worst nightmare. You wanna bitch and whine about how you’re stuck here, I’ll make you ache and cry until you put a bullet through your own brain, and I’ll let you know now, ain’t nobody else gonna clean up after your mess or donate to a pity-party. If you act nice, though, then I’ll make your time easier here and I can guarantee, this place ain’t as bad as it seems once you get embrace it.
As you’ve probably realized by now, telling by the grim looks on your faces, we do things a little differently here. At other prisons, you commit a crime, receive a set sentence, and serve it in order to get out. Well, suck it up, ladies and gents, because we work on a different system here. You get in here by choice or by rejection. I don’t know if you just weren’t ready for a relationship yet or if you were desperately in love with someone and they decided you just weren’t what they needed, but to be honest, I don’t really give a shit how you got here. If you wanna tell that sob story to someone, we got some mirrors in the back that I’m sure you can shine up nice and make friends with. We don’t give set sentences here. So long as you’re single, you’re stuck here, babies, so you better get used to it.
Next, we take a test, and your results will decide if you’re gonna live on the East side or West side. We nicknamed East Side “Heartbreak Row” and West Side “Heartfelt Apartments”. Some people even just call it “Happily Single.” And I gotta tell ya, you wanna be on West Block, cause if you get stuck on the far side of East Block like some of the nutcases I’ve seen, and if you don’t work your way at least a little closer West every few days, you ain’t gonna be just stuck in here forever. The last rooms in East Block are reserved for those with a death sentence. I guess the good thing about that, though, is I never have to get my hands dirty. The really hopeless cases that we give a rope or gun can usually take care of that themselves.
So how do you get out of here, you ask? Well, if you don’t settle in and decide to stay, then the way out is to get bailed out. You find another convict, take on each other’s titles (Usually pairs stick with Boyfriend and Girlfriend first and go to the Relationships Dept. before working their way up to Engagement or Marriage), file a bail slip together, sign a few papers, and if your proposal is approved by the the big man, you’re free to go. But keep this in mind: Most of the people who just want a way out will find a way out, no problem, but they just end up back here worse off a few days later. So do your time, get used to it, and settle in. It’s not so bad once you explore a bit and discover the little hidden perks of this place. And who knows? Maybe someday you will move on to District 14 (Lovers) or 15 (Relationships). Hell, a few lucky ones even get to move all the way out to 16 (Marriage). I hear it can be a pain in the ass because everyone living there is also an employee, but most people stay put once they’ve finally worked their way to the top.
I know you may be aching and heartbroken, but you gonna make this easy on yourself or hard? You don’t have to torture yourself. Being here ain’t so bad. In fact, some people on West Side love it so much that they’ve moved in permanently and they get open visiting hours- even conjugal visits every now and again. So cheer up. Things do get better.
Time for the big test. You have the choice to make this easy on yourself or hard. So, East Side or West Side?
Best of luck,
Head Warden and Comfort Counselor