Why is it that we can never be on the same page? Why do we want completely different things? Why is what I want not good enough for you? Why can’t you just let it be?
We meet. You deny me and I’m fine with it.
You persue me, I want to be friends but it’s not enough for you.
You force me to change my mind and suddenly it’s not fast enough for you.
You pry yourself into my heart, my thoughts and my home. I let it go not once, but twice.
You talk to my friends and family about me behind my back and convince yourself that what we have isn’t going to last and you manage to push me so far that all I want is to be alone.
Subsequently, I feel terrible for making you feel like you’re not good enough and put forth the effort that you want but hours later is too late because you’ve tried hard enough.
I’ll never know the real reason you started dating her but I think the fact that you just wanted someone has something to do with it and it really shows your true sensitivity, Tony.
You call me when you need me, want me or are in the mood to use me and I was always available to you, how stupid of me.
You think of the most damaging ways around things and I now realize that in those days that I called you my boyfriend, you left me with a lot of responsibility and I never recovered.
I masked these opinions of you for the longest times because I really did feel like we had a strong connection but you always had other plans for us and it got so tiring. We never had any sort of intimacy between us and emotionally, I cut myself off from you.
I really did want to build some sort of friendship with you but I honestly figured that there was no hope for you or us. You could never give me what I wanted so badly and I wasn’t about to let you and your “feel bad for me tactics” to work on me this time.
Could you tell I was happy, sitting on my front porch with wet hair? I really was. I found something that I was never allowed to have before this point in my life and you were not a part of it. I cherished these days like you couldn’t believe and had two people in my life that I genuinely cared for more than anything in a really long time.
It distracted me, you watching me having a great time with someone I cared for a lot at the time and you just weren’t going to allow that to happen. I think it was the next week you called to ask my “permission” to date Danielle but it’s so disgusting that the only reason you wanted to date her is because she was there, if that wasn’t the case then you wouldn’t have robbed me of a friendship that I valued very much with the only one I asked you not to date. I knew she was naive and I knew you could manipulate her and to this day, I hate you for that.
I started wondering why you kept asking permission to do things after you moved in, I forget which was first. She seemed to like you though so it didn’t bother me after a while and it was really nice to just be civil, finally. I should have known then what I know now and the look in your eyes when I wore those stupid pajama pants I made in high school. Why do you care about me if you don’t want to be with me? Why are you wasting my time? Why do you creep into my thoughts and steal me away from every opportunity I come across? Why do I still love you? Can someone please tell me why?
Was it that hard to accept since we dated that I am sweet and genuine and want the same things as you? You’re just so fucking proud. Too proud to love me the way I deserve to be loved, out loud. I’m not sure why I gained all that weight. It was probably a combination of things but honestly, I felt stuck. I was so emotionally drained and you still looked at me the same way so maybe I never even noticed that I got fat. Being in constant competition with you lost its appeal after I started loving myself. I decided it was enough and I was ready to leave. I know you were too which is the first thing we agreed on in fucking years.
I did like having you around but had you moved during this time, I wouldn’t have cared. It looks like our roles reversed and I had no idea you were capable of loving the way I deserved to be loved. I grew so sick and tried of the petty gossip and weekends on repeat. Feeling skinny on Saturday morning from dehydration just wasn’t enough for me anymore but it only got worse with you. You started flaunting your money in ways that made me resent you. Not only because you were throwing away something that could have been constructively used but also because you turned her into a complete fucking bitch, with every intention of leaving her.
I’m sorry I started seeing someone else after I broke up with Nick but at the time, I liked him. It wasn’t just release, it was remembering who I was before I got wrapped up in your path of destruction. You would have never guessed that I actually thought these things about you, would you? Maybe that’s why I started throwing stones at you. I think it was probably a combination of the years before, during and after the “break up” that led to me wanting you to know that part of me thinks that you only think about yourself.
Nonetheless, I trusted the friendship we had built over the years. You crossed a line that is so completely damaging beyond repair. At the time, I was happy and understood your lack of self confidence even though under no circumstances is that an excuse. Having your father being my only cheerleader probably had something to do with it too.
I decide to move away, simply to get some air and figure myself out and you destroyed this future by not respecting my need for space. Years later I’m still running from you and now you’ve officially done it. I’m back and ready and you’re no where to be found. I had the guy that was going to be the one to take me away from you but it doesn’t compare to the love, despite the negativity of this letter, that I still to this day feel for you. Honestly, it has diminished but is still there and more than I feel for anyone else.
Will we ever be on the same page? Why do you feel that you constantly need to be in control when really you’re irresponsibly spending our money and making me hate you. You can count the people who have an opinion about our relationship on two hands. Grow some balls, sit them down and tell the fucking truth. Is it worth it to continue to devastate me day in and day out? What we have is not convenience. It’s not your everyday “this makes sense” relationship. You say it’s the real deal but your actions speak otherwise and it’s killing me. For once, pick you. Because I’ve picked me all along and we’re chasing each other. It’s not too late to turn around and trust that it will be a circle.
I refuse to text you because I don’t trust you. If you want to talk you’ll figure it out. I’m going to be the lady and finally be taken care of, I don’t care who does it.