• It’s over and I have nothing left to say to you

    by  • February 18, 2012 • Moving On • 0 Comments

    Dear Ryan,

    There have been so many times where I just want to scream at you. Where I want to stop being nice and caring and start being mean and callous. I want to scream at you for everything you put me through. I wonder if you would listen, or if you would turn it all back on me again like you used to do.

    I ask myself sometimes whether or not I believe that you think of me or if you feel bad and blame yourself for our eventual break up. I wonder if you felt like you fucked up and should have been better to me. I wonder if you miss me. I’ll tell you this though: I don’t miss you. I miss the life I had when I was with you. I miss our friends. They miss me too. But I don’t miss you and that is not because I have someone else, it is because I don’t miss the way you made me feel about myself.

    You blame our problems on the fact that I don’t trust you and that I have underlying problems with alcohol. I’ll tell you with 100% certainty that we didn’t work because you broke my trust and you were the most selfish human being I have ever known. You made mistakes, and I forgave those mistakes. You told me that I never let anything go. That is not true. I forgave you for what you did but you kept making the same mistakes over and over. You don’t get a clean fucking slate for saying you’re sorry. I was willing to move past those things but you kept bringing up past offenses by committing them time and time again. You were the number one cause of my panic attacks after I developed them from getting sexually assaulted by someone else.

    Let me talk about that for a second. Yes, you like to drink. Yes, I was not comfortable with drinking for a long time because of what happened to me and that was not your fault. HOWEVER. I probably wouldn’t have had such a bad problem with it if you weren’t the biggest asshole while you were drunk. You yelled at me. You ignored me. You covered my mouth with your hand and screamed at me to be quiet. You became a different person when you were drunk, one that I was scared of and didn’t want to be around. A person that you yourself didn’t like. Looking back, you made the alcohol problem worse for me because of your actions, not to mention the fact that you embarrassed the shit out of me on numerous occasions for how you acted when you were drunk. You tell me that I shouldn’t be embarrassed because you were the one who pissed on your roommate’s laptop and that is when I started to notice how selfish you are. You couldn’t even comprehend that your actions reflect on me and effect me. Your actions and your words impact other people. I don’t know if you don’t recognize that or you just don’t give a fuck. If you really didn’t like yourself when you did these things, why did you keep getting blacked out? Why would you put yourself in the position where you could repeat that? I asked you, before we broke up, if you could stop drinking for a month so that we could figure out our problems and see if it really was just my anxiety towards alcohol but you refused. You didn’t want to “be controlled”. If you really cared about me you would have stopped doing something you knew was hurting me. You would have tried not drinking for a month if our relationship was more important to you than alcohol. I wish it was more important, but then again I don’t because I know now that not only did you have this drinking problem, you were selfish and had a real mean streak. Nobody has spoke to me the way you used to speak to me. My friend heard the way you talked to me and told me after that she hasn’t heard anyone speak to anyone like that, let alone someone they claimed to love. The biggest asshole I know, the most selfish person I know right now talks to me better than you ever did.

    I don’t want to write out everything you did, you know what you did. I don’t even have to explain any more to you how you fucked up because I know it, and you should know it and if you don’t, I don’t care. I’m healed. You can’t bring me down anymore. It’s over and everything is so clear now. There is nothing more that I want to say to you.

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