You hurt me. More than I thought you could. I was under the impression that I had set up defenses around my heart, encased it in stone. But that isn’t how I live my life. It’s fine really, but the hurt and confusion won’t let me go this time. I have been hurt so much worse in the past. I think back to my sixteen year old self, the hurt I experienced then at the hands of a guy I truly loved. I can understand myself hurting over that, but not this.
Even though it is over and has been over for months, I can’t shake you. You are in my head and even, I’m afraid, in my heart. When you ended it, I took it like a woman, I understood. I still do. But then you said we could be friends and maybe try again when we were both ready. That made me happy, to think that we weren’t really over. But we were, we were over before we began really. I think you made sure of it.
My burning question that I know you will never answer is this: Why did you set me up to fail? Why did you say things like ‘next year we should…’ or imply that we would be together for a long time when you seemed to know otherwise? You knew before we dated that I didn’t want someone with your hobby. So when we got more serious, you decided to come clean and tell me that I would have to accept it. You said you would not change. So me being sentimental little me, tried to accept it. Count yourself lucky dude, if it were any other time in my life I would have told you to hit the road. Maybe that’s what you wanted.
Either way, you fell off the face of the earth and didn’t talk to me. Blessing in disguise maybe, it gave me time to come to this realization. Ready? You and I can never be together. I could never really get to know the real you because you do things that scare me. You know this, always have. So you won’t ever tell me the really important things about you. That conclusion was verified when you came out of your silence and told me why you stopped talking to me. Thanks by the way, you were right. I would definitely not have wanted anything to do with that situation.
So why do I still have you on my mind? I hope and wonder if you’re thinking of me too. I check the missed connections all the time just hoping to see something from you. Sometimes I think I read something that you posted but deep down, I know you aren’t that kind of guy. The one that pines after that girl he let get away.
I won’t forget though, the way it felt to look into your eyes and smile at the end of a date. The way you would sometimes cup my face in those huge hands of yours when you kissed me. But I also won’t forget how bad you made me feel. How you just didn’t treat me like I deserve to be treated.
You hurt me. So I’m going to settle for shouting that into the void. Because actually saying it to you would do me no good. We can never be.