• You’re Better Than This. Stop.

    by  • February 16, 2012 • Disappointment • 0 Comments

    Dear Self,

    You need to get over her. All she did was use you, then discarded you like a piece of garbage. You went to the ends of the earth for her, gave up 8 months of your life to help her. She was usually the first person you spoke to when you woke up and the last person before you finally passed out at night. She hasn’t reciprocated or shown you the appreciation you deserve. Get over her. Now.

    It was a sticky situation. She was your first serious crush. What can I say, you’re a late bloomer, having your first serious crush at 23. On a woman 14 years older than you. You have to admit it was fun thinking about having her come on to you, kissing her, playing with her. I know you found her adorable, endearing, funny, and lovable. Nearly a year later, you do realize those qualities were merely an act and her true colors have shown through. Sure, she comes off as fun and sweet, but once she is done using you or realizes that she’s not getting what she wants from you, she turns into a bitter, ungrateful, childish wench.

    You gave her so many chances and the benefit of the doubt, always making excuses for her and forgiving her when she claimed to be “sorry”. Sorry means you will try your best not to do it again. It’s not a fluffy throw-away word that you can just say and then go back to your old ways. She was never sorry for overwhelming you, letting her ‘partners’ treat you like a dog, not responding to you when you ask her questions, and not telling you when she made decisions that affected you.

    You gave her your whole heart. You wanted to be there for her when she was sick and suffering. You stayed with her in the hospital, brought her treats, leant an ear when she needed to talk things out, gave her plenty of hugs and affection when she needed it. You told her you would never abandon her or give up on her, even if it meant hurting yourself. You loved her so much, and I know you still do. It’s ok to always have a place in your heart for her, for the good times: the ridiculous late night conversations, the coloring, the body heat stealing hugs, the closeness. You can always have fond memories for a moment, pushing aside all the negative. You know she loved you back and probably still loves you. Her way of showing it sucks, and for that she doesn’t deserve to have you in her life.

    You can’t keep making excuses for how she treated you. I know you think she’s brainwashed by a certain gentleman, but she is an adult. She can make her own choices. If she can choose to get dressed in the morning, she can choose to treat you like a human being. It doesn’t matter that he clearly hates you and tells her what an inadequate piece of shit you are, she still has a choice to either defend you and treat you like she should, or decide that you are disposable and unworthy of any consideration. She chose the latter. That was her decision, no one else’s. It’s a hard pill to swallow, what with you putting her up on a pedestal and all, but stop. She doesn’t deserve it. If you think about it, she basically fed you to the wolves. Total disregard for everything you did, all the time and effort and heart. She can say all she wants about it “meaning so much to her” and blah blah blah, but actions speak much louder than words, and her actions are telling me that she is selfish, ungrateful, and downright inconsiderate.

    After everything you’ve done for her and been through with her, you would think that she would at least treat you with some warmth rather than being distant, cold, and unaffected. I know if this happened to you and you had someone step in to try and help you the way you tried to help her, you would be kissing their ass and spoiling them with gratitude and affection, regardless of their experience in the industry. I know you don’t want her to kiss your ass or the ground you walk on, you just want some validation so that you can feel like you didn’t waste so much of your time trying to help her and please her.

    You thought you did the right thing by going with your heart rather than your head, but did you? You sacrificed 3/4 of a year doing something that isn’t what you actually want to do with your life for a person that walked all over you, threw you under a bus, and now simply ignores you? You knew from day 1 that there were some shady things going on, why didn’t you go with your head? You’re a very smart girl. Very smart. And sweet, giving, and motivated. She doesn’t deserve to have you anymore. You gave her your all, and all she gave you was headache, heartache, and less time to do what you do. Was it worth it?

    You have amazing talent, brains, a master’s degree, great friends, a fantastic apartment, a girlfriend that adores you, and the whole world ahead of you. Get this toxic bullshit out of your life. It’s not worth it.


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