I can’t. I don’t know if this is just me or if everyone goes through this, but for serious it’s getting on my last nerve and I don’t know how to stop it.
I cannot stop being in awe about the universe. And I know this probably sounds dumb, but I find that I can’t care about the usual things that affect normal lives. Like relationships. I don’t really have much sympathy for people who moan about breakups or the Superbowl or losing their car keys or politics or whatever.
I just, do you realize that we are on a rock floating through our solar system, which is one of billions in our galaxy, which is one of billions of galaxies in the universe (one universe of billions?). How improbable is it that we exist? That *you* exist? Just, what the fuck, even typing that out is too much for me to handle.
Maybe I’m having an existential crisis. Because Sagan and Hawking and Tyson and motherfucking Bill Nye have instilled in me this constant sense of wonder and it’s eating me alive. Actually consuming my every thought. And I know I’m young, but this has been going on for a few years.
Maybe I’m just meant to be one of those people who thinks about this crap daily so you don’t have to.
But it just makes me feel so alone. I have friends and family, I do, but they don’t stay as mystified by this as I do. And knowing what I do about the universe, I feel even more alone. I am alone.
But, why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I obsess over men, and getting married, and having babies one day? Why can’t I be more worried about my financial future? Why can’t I stop overthinking life?
I know that rationally I should be able to just stop with the big thoughts and move on to lighter, more normal fare. But I’ve had mental disorders before, so I know how impossible that can be.
Is this a disorder? Do I need therapy? I don’t know what to do. The best part is that I don’t do drugs. I don’t even drink. My descendants have done enough of that to fill our quota. And drugs would probably only increase my anxiety and stress over this.
I’m in school, but not for astronomy or physics because I’m terrible at equations and math and such. I’m going to be a speech therapist. What a missed opportunity there. I don’t know. I just, I wish I could shut out these thoughts. Because I can’t do anything about space or our understanding of it. I’m just a twenty-two year old college student who spends a lot of her time looking at the sky, wondering if there will ever be answers to our questions.
Maybe I am sick.