• My thoughts always lead to you

    by  • February 16, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    I always wondered what it would be like, to be your wife, to have a house with you, to wake up to you everyday, to be able to lay in your arms so perfectly. To watch the sun set while you whisper sweet nothings into my ear.

    I always wondered what it would be like to wake up everyday to our beautiful children, their dark brown hair and brown eyes.

    To live in a perfect house with perfect children.

    But now i’m stuck wondering if you ever even wonder about me. It hurt so much it finally know that I was worth nothing to you, nothing at all. I spend almost six years of my life with you, always waiting for you, always waiting.

    I thought what we had was true love, and I guess on my part it truly was.

    My love is like the ocean, nothing can break it, nothing can move it, nothing can change it. I think that I will always love you, because I don’t think i’ll ever be able to let go and move on from you.

    I used to be a bird but you took me so tightly in your hands and squeezed until my wings broke and now i’m forever trapped by you, but I don’t mind it so much anymore.

    My love for you was so childish to begin with, you always let me know that though, that I was acting childish and that you thought you were dating someone better than that. And the fighting, oh the fighting, i’ll never forget that, you taught me something so important to always fault myself, to always blame myself to always believe that no matter what i’m not good enough, i’m not strong enough, that i’m not beautiful enough,that i’m not smart enough for anyone.

    You taught me, how to judge myself, how to doubt myself, how to always second guess myself no matter what.
    But isn’t it great? I found out that i’m really worth nothing. And when you taught me that.. I felt safe, because if i’m already so fucked up nothing else could touch me right?

    You will always have a apart of me, but the rest of me has to let go and be free, even if you hold the main part of me. Some days are good, some days I forget about you and I smile and i’m happy, but when i’m alone at night I play back everything that happened and I miss you so much that my body cries for you and I believe that’s one of the saddest feelings i’ve ever gotten to know.

    I will always love you, but maybe I think it might be time to let go, to heal, to be free of you.

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