This has been sitting in my email drafts for over a month now….and now I’ve moved on, but it’s been eating at me that I never sent it…that you’ll never know how I feel. My heart still aches for you and my body aches for your embrace. So I’ll post this here so maybe it will leave me.
Subject: well…..fuck……like you said earlier..if the answers already no in your mind, then what is there to be afraid of right?
So here goes draft number 1000. and if I actually grew a pair and sent this…makes 1 out of 100 times I tried and succeeded. I’m sure you’ll read this and go “wtf?” I am sorry that I am doing this in an email, and sorry that this is seemingly out of nowhere, or maybe you saw it. I sure as hell didn’t. I wanted to do this face to face but the last time I was going to…well you walked through the door and I lost my nerve. I’ve never been good with putting myself out there face to face …I felt/feel like I have to explain why I’ll be out of contact for some time. I’m not looking for anything, not even a response, I just have to tell you this…I really need to work on my impulse control..lol
Well I guess I’ll just get to it. My feelings for you are stronger than they should be, if you get my drift..See…I get to that and it isn’t what I really want to say, but I can’t bring myself to tell the truth of it, but I’m pretty sure you understand what I am getting at. I almost feel like I should apologize, but I wont, it wasn’t something done on purpose….we were just supposed to be having fun, no complications…normally it wouldn’t be an issue, this shit doesn’t happen to me, I am like the queen of detachment….but I guess there’s a stupid girl somewhere inside me after all…really need to find her, beat her ass and tell the bitch to get with the program ha ha……and I really don’t know what I should say beyond that, if anything.
In essence this is a goodbye for now letter. Not saying permanently, just for awhile.. I hope you understand that you haven’t done anything wrong, I don’t know if you will want to talk to me after this and if you do.. I just can’t continue feeling how I feel, still to talk to you, see you and not being able to take it any further. So I figured a goodbye for now was appropriate. Til I get shit under control. I don’t expect that you feel the same and it’s all good.. I’m not about to attempt to try or push for something you don’t want or feel. You don’t want to lose your freedom to do what you want and I understand that, being that way myself…Sometimes it seems like we’re two sides of the same coin…but my side of it got painted pink with hearts while I wasn’t looking and I can’t find the fucking turpentine lol. I am grateful for the time we’ve spent together and all conversations in between. I have never felt this level of comfort, desire, intensity, acceptance and trust with anyone…freaks me out a bit (especially since we haven’t known each-other very long) and makes this bittersweet. I’m glad to know it is possible…though sad it couldn’t be more than what it is..but life goes on….Anyways. I’m happy to have met you. I want nothing more than your happiness in life..I think you’re a pretty freakin exceptional person, someone akin to my own nature. Perhaps I should have known better, I was smitten with you from the start..even before we had met face to face. good god couldn’t I have kept this short and sweet? lol Umm…yea I better stop here or I’ll just continue to ramble more than I already have.
I guess it would have been just simpler to say that I’m in love with you and because of that I have to go away for a while.