• I hate myself

    by  • February 16, 2012 • Hatred, Self-Esteem • 1 Comment

    I hate myself for allowing you to hurt me every single day for over a year.

    I hate myself for crawling back to you so many times.

    I hate myself for trying so hard to be what you want, to do nice things for you, for believing your endless list of lies, believing that you could care about me.

    I hate myself for giving you my whole heart no questions asked, and being ok with not having even a piece of yours.

    I hate myself for knowing ALL OF THIS even if it was deep down.

    I hate myself so much… I pray each night before I fall asleep that I won’t wake up. I stopped taking care of myself, stopped eating, smoked ten times more, started drinking heavy. I just hope it puts me in an early grave because I can’t even look in the mirror anymore. I know I’m a pathetic waste of space. I just want this all to end. I really do. I can’t think of a single thing worth getting out of bed for anymore. I hate my job, my apartment, my family, my whole life. I hate everything. I really don’t want to wake up tomorrow.

    I hate myself so fucking much. With such a passion it makes me sick. I haven’t looked in the mirror and actually faced myself in – I don’t even know how long. So much I could have done to change my life, so many mistakes, so many wrong roads chosen and so much plain old bad luck along the way.

    I caused it all. Everything is my fault and it’s a hard pill to swallow. I know that things aren’t over. That life goes on and that if I really worked hard I could have a better life I might be able to exist but I just don’t care anymore. I couldn’t give a rats ass. I just want to curl up and fall asleep and never wake up again. I don’t want anything from anybody. I don’t want to hear “things will get better” or “think of those you’ll leave behind” or “you’re beautiful and worth while” I just don’t care.

    Everything is bullshit anyway. No one ever cared that much about me, no one ever stuck it out with me. Everyone leaves in the end.

    One Response to I hate myself

    1. :)
      February 16, 2012 at 7:21 pm

      Don’t self-destruct that’s a command.You better get your act together. You know this could partially be seasonal depression. I know because I suffer from it. I feel like shit most days right now as well. Add a whole bunch of outside stress and it feels like you are slowly falling apart. I want you to face that mirror and forgive yourself. The first part of receiving someones forgiveness is forgiving yourself. That is what I’ve learned. I forgave those that have hurt me a long time ago, and I forgave myself for the mistakes I’ve made. You know that after I did that it was so much easier to live life. I love you and I hope you have enough strength to fight. Also, I advise you to head over to a store and buy some professional grade vitamin D and try light therapy.

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