• You….

    by  • February 15, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    I remember the emails that you sent to me, especially the ones titled “you…”. They were my favorite……..
    I can’t believe it’s been so many years and I still think about every day – you are on my mind when I wake up, while getting ready for work, on my way to work, while drinking my morning coffee, everytime I check my email, every time I answer the phone, on my way home, watching tv, cooking dinner, getting ready for bed. I even still dream about you.

    It’s pretty pathetic, I know. I know that you shouldn’t matter to me. I know that I should put myself out there, really put myself out there but I can’t. I just can’t seem to let you go and I don’t know why.

    It’s stupid because I know you would never post anything on here but still I search through letter after letter on this site, hoping, praying that I will see what I’ve been waiting for all of these years.
    I know that I should move on from you but I don’t know how.
    You really are killing me softly with your song……Every song I hear on the radio reminds me of you.

    I used to write in my journal, all the time – especially on those hard nights when the tears wouldn’t stop and you were all I could think about. But it was always the same words in some shape or fashion….Why do I let you consume my head and my heart? Why can’t I let you go? Why couldn’t you just say something – at all, anything at all – but no you just slowly faded away. With an email here and there telling me that you thought about me….Why? Why would you do that when you knew how I felt about you? How could you string me along for all those years? How could you be so reckless with my heart?
    Why would you tell me that you love me, then tell me that I’d find someone like you and in then in the same breath tell me that you can’t imagine me with anyone else?????
    I wish I could hate you…no, that’s not right. I wish……I wish you would give me all the answers to the questions I have been asking myself for years. – Do you see that – YEARS! – I HAVE SERIOUSLY BEEN ASKING MYSELF THESE QUESTIONS FOR YEARS!
    Noone knows how much I think about you. Noone knows that I still love you. Noone knows that I still long for you.

    It’s difficult for me to listen to music anymore. I love music but it’s like every other song stabs me in the chest reminding me of what is no longer mine. What was probably never mine to begin with…….sigh.
    What is wrong with me? Why do I let you consume me like this?
    I wish you would just send me one email and tell me that you don’t love me.
    When we were together you told me that you would always love me even if we weren’t together. I think that’s what has kept me holding on all these years.
    I told you that I would wait while you worked out your issues…..all you had to say was “Don’t wait because I don’t love you.”

    Yes, it’s always the same words in some shape, form or fashion. I open my journal and I just stare at the pages because it’s all been said and done. There’s nothing more to write. The tears still fall but I don’t put the words on the page anymore…..I just don’t see the point. It doesn’t matter anymore.
    I will never have get the answers.

    Someone once told me that everyone else can tell you that you need to let go but your heart will only let go when it’s ready to….
    I’m sorry but my heart just isn’t ready to let you go and I don’t know if it ever will.

    So, I will continue to open my journal and stare at the pages. Maybe someday I will be able to write in it again.

    Maybe someday my heart will finally be ready to let you go…….

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