I wish I knew what the hell i am doing. I wish I had all the answers to these questions in my head. Why did I said let’s take a break then just torture myself about it. Why would i say to myself i over it i’ll be so much happier single when now it’s going on three weeks and i can’t find happiness in the darest of places. i have my escapes and even those hurt me more and more. it’s like i’m spiraling into a pit of of evil and self inflicted torture i know i can never get out of. I am thinking of going to a doctor for medication just so i wouldn’t have such fucked up thoughts all the time. shit that makes me wanna blow my brains out just to stop thinking about. deep down i know no one would ever think of such things. killing and raping are all part of the act. torturing people homoerotica and mature sex videos are what constantly consume my mind. how fucked up can one be? i feel i can take the cake without being a serial killer. i will end this story one day like so miserable teens have said before. i’m only 20 years old and seeing a woman naked doesn’t even give me a hard on. it’s not that i’m some type of fucking weirdo that sits in his room all day watching porn and stalking the cute neighbor that happens to look his way once. i have a great family and great friends i’m fucking popular to so many people! i have a great job and they all love me there. today i was talking to an older lady i work with and she said to me that i will go far because; i have a great charisma. i’m the favorite in my whole family and i know that. people try to get to know me every day but i won’t let them. i can barely deal with this fucked up mind by myself, just how it is. i’m scared on where it will take me. i don’t want to be a suicide statistic but i feel like faking it my whole life isn’t an option for me. i have no direction other than the ones i get from other people and that kills me inside. it kills me….. you will never know who i am because i don’t exist. i have no me. i know what you want when you come up to me and i will give exactly that and you will like me for it. hell you might even think i’m cute but guess what.. i’m more fucked up than you think. i don’t think i’m smarter than you or better than you i just know i can survive without the whole world thinking i’m such fucked up kid by reacting to your gestures and though in a civil way.
people have told me that i’m old soul. they say it will be hard for me to truly find someone or something that will interest me. and this is truth i have found. i have not been motivated or interested to do one fucking thing in my life. i have always slacked off through it all. like making varsity football sophomore year and getting college scholarship offers to major colleges like ucla and asu. and you know what i did? i quit because i didn’t like it anymore. i didn’t like the way it was going. even dating the prettiest girl in high school made me feel empty and unsatisfied. the best relationship i have ever had, was when the girl was as fucked up as me. she was getting raped by her uncle as we were dating and didn’t tell anyone about it. she didn’t talk to anyone about it but me. and you know what i did? i killed the mother fucker and no one ever found out, the greatest plan. but returned the favor with dating another girl and cheating on her. you know what she did?? self inflicted drug overdose suicide to get her revenge on me. Sounds like horror story right? but guess what i live a prestigious neighborhood in san diego and succeed greatly at what i do and i’m trapped in hell. i’ve been to the worst, with being addicted to drugs and sucking dick for crack rocks and i’ve seen the best with having the best friends and the best girlfriend with a perfect family and i can say honestly there is not place for me in this world. i do not fit and that is sad.