I do… if I knew back then what I know now, he would have seemed as cute and innocent as a cabbage patch doll, or a beanie baby, or a build-a-bear… whichever generation you’re familiar with.
I need sleep… but i don’t necessarily want it, because of the absolutely horrific things I see when my eyes close. Things I didn’t even know could be thought of, causing feelings I can’t even come near to describing… maybe some of you can relate and i won’t have to fish around my scattered mind to help you understand. I need these horrible images to go away… I want them gone! I won’t even ask for “gone forever” because I know that’s not realistic, it’s too much to ask for… but I need a break, gahd dammit. I need these knots and kinks and sore spots on my body to have a chance to work themselves loose and finally go away, rather than keep building on themselves. The pain is becoming overwhelming. I need to have some time to let my mind work through my daily experiences… you know, like what sleep is partially meant for. It’s stacking up… 5 days worth… I don’t even remember most of what has happened since friday, as its all a blur due to a total of 5 hours sleep during the duration of that time. I’m so so thankful that I’ve at least gotten that much. Reality is mixing with the dream world, and visa versa. The things I thought never happened really did, and the things I thought really happened never did. I don’t know if I should expect that noise in the other room to be someone with a gun, or the heat kicking in. I don’t know if my dog is barking because there’s a cat outside, or because one of my biggest fears of someone breaking into my house while I’m home alone is actually happening. When she stops barking, I don’t know if she’s laying down being a lump on someone’s bed, or if that guy who broke in killed her. I find myself expecting the worst because I don’t know what I’m going to see when I walk into the next room… will I open the bathroom door after my shower and find her bloody on the ground? Nobody should have to seriously consider that as a possibility. its SO awful. I don’t see her – I yell for her with pure fear in my voice because what if he hid her somewhere? I hear her collar jingle as she’s racing towards me to be her loyal protective self… sure, Norman Rockwell made famous “A Boy and His Dog”… But I say, “a girl and her dog.” theres a little bit of relief for a few minutes… I take those moments in like they are a drug… like i’m a junkie finally getting my fix… but just like that junkie’s drugs wear off, the fear creeps up on me again. Its now to the point that my stomach is turning and turning for no apparent reason (other than the sleep deprivation, but i’m always looking for another excuse so I can get rid of it without the horrors)… I close my eyes and the room starts spinning, like when you’re too drunk. open my eyes- was that someone in my driveway telling someone else “its okay, there’s nobody home.. lets go inside,” or was it just my neighbor saying something different to his cats? Between the freaky images and the potential vomiting spewing, sleep is the last thing I want… but Its what I need to start getting these physical pains to go away, and once those are gone, the emotional baggage that has come along with it will be easier to sort through… I try so hard but its so intense. The doctors aren’t thinking much of it because it’s probably just an episode of my PTSD flaring up due to the amount of stress and triggers i’ve very unexpectedly come across. But, of course, I’ll keep fightin the good fight… I’ll get mine, eventually.