• Remember the boogey man?

    by  • February 15, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Fear • 4 Comments

    I do… if I knew back then what I know now, he would have seemed as cute and innocent as a cabbage patch doll, or a beanie baby, or a build-a-bear… whichever generation you’re familiar with.

    I need sleep… but i don’t necessarily want it, because of the absolutely horrific things I see when my eyes close. Things I didn’t even know could be thought of, causing feelings I can’t even come near to describing… maybe some of you can relate and i won’t have to fish around my scattered mind to help you understand. I need these horrible images to go away… I want them gone! I won’t even ask for “gone forever” because I know that’s not realistic, it’s too much to ask for… but I need a break, gahd dammit. I need these knots and kinks and sore spots on my body to have a chance to work themselves loose and finally go away, rather than keep building on themselves. The pain is becoming overwhelming. I need to have some time to let my mind work through my daily experiences… you know, like what sleep is partially meant for. It’s stacking up… 5 days worth… I don’t even remember most of what has happened since friday, as its all a blur due to a total of 5 hours sleep during the duration of that time. I’m so so thankful that I’ve at least gotten that much. Reality is mixing with the dream world, and visa versa. The things I thought never happened really did, and the things I thought really happened never did. I don’t know if I should expect that noise in the other room to be someone with a gun, or the heat kicking in. I don’t know if my dog is barking because there’s a cat outside, or because one of my biggest fears of someone breaking into my house while I’m home alone is actually happening. When she stops barking, I don’t know if she’s laying down being a lump on someone’s bed, or if that guy who broke in killed her. I find myself expecting the worst because I don’t know what I’m going to see when I walk into the next room… will I open the bathroom door after my shower and find her bloody on the ground? Nobody should have to seriously consider that as a possibility. its SO awful. I don’t see her – I yell for her with pure fear in my voice because what if he hid her somewhere? I hear her collar jingle as she’s racing towards me to be her loyal protective self… sure, Norman Rockwell made famous “A Boy and His Dog”… But I say, “a girl and her dog.” theres a little bit of relief for a few minutes… I take those moments in like they are a drug… like i’m a junkie finally getting my fix… but just like that junkie’s drugs wear off, the fear creeps up on me again. Its now to the point that my stomach is turning and turning for no apparent reason (other than the sleep deprivation, but i’m always looking for another excuse so I can get rid of it without the horrors)… I close my eyes and the room starts spinning, like when you’re too drunk. open my eyes- was that someone in my driveway telling someone else “its okay, there’s nobody home.. lets go inside,” or was it just my neighbor saying something different to his cats? Between the freaky images and the potential vomiting spewing, sleep is the last thing I want… but Its what I need to start getting these physical pains to go away, and once those are gone, the emotional baggage that has come along with it will be easier to sort through… I try so hard but its so intense. The doctors aren’t thinking much of it because it’s probably just an episode of my PTSD flaring up due to the amount of stress and triggers i’ve very unexpectedly come across. But, of course, I’ll keep fightin the good fight… I’ll get mine, eventually.

    4 Responses to Remember the boogey man?

    1. friend
      February 15, 2012 at 5:48 pm


      i don’t know if there’s any way i can help. i know what it’s like to be afraid of everything around you, but not to your degree. not for your reasons. there’s only one thing standing between me and losing it somedays, and that one thing is my relationship with Jesus. i don’t know if you believe or whatever, but i know that He keeps me safe and can keep you safe too, no matter what. if you put your life in His hands, you will find rest. his peace is real. i’m praying for you. if you need to talk leave a comment on the letter and i’ll respond when i can.

      hang in there,

    2. author
      February 16, 2012 at 9:53 am

      I don’t believe in jesus.. at all. i’ve got too many reasons not to. i see absolutely no evidence of how he could possibly exist, with the things i’ve witnessed and the people i’ve seen have their life ripped out from under them, completely undeserved. i’ve got absolutely no desire to even try to believe in him because i know it will be a complete waste of energy, even if i was actually interested.

      i really appreciate the thought though, and i thank you… its just not for me though.

    3. friend
      February 17, 2012 at 3:31 pm

      you can believe what you want to believe, i’m not your father, i’m not your priest, i’m just a friend. if i may, i heard a story once…

      A University professor at a well known institution of higher learning challenged his students with this question. “Did God create everything that exists?”

      A student bravely replied, “Yes he did!”

      “God created everything?” The professor asked.

      “Yes sir, he certainly did,” the student replied.

      The professor answered, “If God created everything; then God created evil. And, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then we can assume God is evil.”

      The student became quiet and did not respond to the professor’s hypothetical definition.. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

      Another student raised his hand and said, “May I ask you a question,

      Professor?” “Of course”, replied the professor.

      The student stood up and asked, “Professor does cold exist?”

      “What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?”

      The other students snickered at the young man’s question.

      The young man replied, “In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Everybody or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 F) is the total absence of heat; and all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat.” The student continued, “Professor, does darkness exist?”

      The professor responded, “Of course it does.”

      The student replied, “Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact, we can use Newton’s prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn’t this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present.” Finally the young man asked the professor, “Sir, does evil exist?”

      Now uncertain, the professor responded, “Of course, as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily examples of man’s inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.

      To this the student replied, “Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God’s love present in his heart. It’s like the cold that comes when there is no heat, or the darkness that comes when there is no light.”

      i don’t know if this helps. what you said reminded me of this story though.


    4. friend
      March 3, 2012 at 2:27 pm

      it’s me again. i don’t know if you’ll read this, and if you don’t i can’t say i blame you. i just wanted to apologize, i had no right to say what i said. i’m sorry. what i was trying to say is… hi. i want to help. how can i help you? i love you.

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