I know, I know. I’ve known all along. It’s just not as simple for me as it seems to be for you.
I thought I saw something (I still think there *is* something, but that’s irrelevant at this point). She’s wonderful. And I say that with all the sincerity I have–you know I would tell you if I didn’t think that. But I believe that you’re forcing yourself into this cookie cutter fantasy of a life because you don’t know what else to do with yourself and because you don’t want to let anyone down–you don’t want ANYONE to think anything negative about you. You’re only hurting yourself…and her…and eventually everyone around you by doing that.
I’m right here. Right in front of you. Accepting you exactly as you are. She doesn’t even KNOW who you are because you haven’t shared it with her. Why is that, exactly? Why have you got that level of comfort with me and not her? I seriously think that’s something for you to examine.
At this point, I just have to back away–separate myself for a while. I can’t continue to be your rock while also being an aid to her when I’m watching my own heart break. Yes, it is my own fault, I know. I just don’t know how else to deal with this because I want the best for you. And I guess at the core of it all, I don’t believe I am what’s best for you…
When I write out that I don’t think I’m what’s best for you, I don’t totally believe it. Because I think I may be exactly what you need. But at this point, I’m searching for reasons to get myself out of this. What else am I supposed to do, anyway?
Maybe it’s a case of wanting what I can’t have, but it feels bigger than that inside. You’re home to me. The idea of you leaving scares the shit out of me and every time I even think about you being as far away as London, I start to tear up. You’re my safe haven. You’re the only person I feel even remotely safe with. And you know that means a lot to a person like me. And I think you feel safe with me too.
You’re an incredible friend, and I love you SO much, but the fact that I think I may be *in* love with you is getting in the way. I’m sorry. Trust me. If I had a choice in the matter, that wouldn’t even be the case.
Just know that if you ever come to me and share that you do feel something more, I’ll welcome you with open arms. I promise you that much.
I have to break whatever motherfucking spell I’m under here. And that task lies solely on me.
“Cause I don’t know who I am, who I am without you, all I know is that I should. And I don’t know if I can stand another hand upon you, all I know is that I should…”