I often visit this website in search of a letter I can relate to. The majority of these letters all seem to be about unrequited love and breaking up.. Others are about anger and resentment. I’m not sure which category I fall into.. Nonetheless I find them comforting in some way, to know that there are other people out there that are just like me…. People who have so many words to say, but no courage to say them to that person. The fact that I’m on this website writing my very own letter I’ll never send to you makes me a giant hypocrite. Yesterday at 11:11, I made a wish about you… About us. But what I should have wished for was the courage to say it to you. . I talk alot about the importance of courage, and how much it means to me. Yet here I am, sitting in my car on my iPhone typing this out. The truth is, I’ve written you letters before. This will actually be my fourth. I write you letters with no intention of you reading them.. How pathetic is that? And I never fail to bawl my eyes out as I write. Even now it is a struggle to breathe. Maybe by publishing a letter online will not only give someone else comfort, but maybe it will give me temporary relief of my feelings and thoughts that weigh me down every day…so here goes nothing.
I came very close to saying it today. I even typed it in a text. I had no intention of sending it to you, I just wanted to see what it looked like. That’s when I panicked and immediately erased it. But I was that close. I had never come that close to saying it. I say it to you in a whisper sometimes before I go I bed, as if you were laying next to me. Other times, I write it to you like I am now. I always tear up when I say it or write it..mostly because I’m so terrified of how you would react if I ever said t to your face. I’m so scared of not being enough. I want this chance so badly, Stephen. I want the chance to be with you and be yours. But how could I ever tell you that?
I love you. I love you without knowing how, why, or from where. I love you without limits or expectations. I love you with only one thing: hope. Hope that you will give me a chance to love you. I’d promise to be so good to you and to take care of you with very fiber of my being. I have put up such a front for the past 8 months that this thing between us isn’t a big deal…. But it is. At least now it is. Somedays I just want to scream at the top of my lungs for Soneone to hear me… Anyone. I resist the urge to call or text you on a daily basis in fear that you will think of me as “that girl.” I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells around you because I’m so terrified I will do or say the wrong thing to turn you away. I keep everything inside until nights like this where I just can’t take it anymore and I need relief. So I write. I write and cry. Cry some more. Then I keep writing. Before I know it, my pillow is soaked with tears and I there is nothing left to cry anymore… At least for that night.
But what sucks especially about tonight is that it’s valentines day. As if I am not in enough pain from holding it all in, the pink hearts and “I love you’s” exchanged between couples is all too much. I don’t care about the diamonds, the chocolates, the cards…. The fact that I cannot be with you tonight of all nights absolutely kills me inside.
I love you for everything that you are. I just wish I knew what it is that’s holding you back… From letting this “thing” become into a beautiful thing known as “us.” I promise to support you in your career and to never complain about your crazy schedule. I’d never complain about not getting enough attention when we’re out with friends. I’d never not be okay with you traveling for work. I promise to be a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on…lips to kiss, and yours to love. I just want you to love me… And to let me love you in ways you can only imagine.
It’s only a matter of time before I cave and make you aware of everything I have been feeling and thinking for months now…. And maybe even ruin everything.. But it’s the fear of being rejected and ending our “thing” that will make me keep my mouth shut. It’s fear that holds me back. I’m so scared that you will hurt me after all this time. But maybe you are scared too.. And you don’t need to be, because I’m not going anywhere. There’s nothing for you to be afraid of. All I ask is that you take my hand and let me prove it to you.
But until then, I can only write.
I love you. I love you. I love you. How much longer will you put me through this torture? Or should i ask instead, How much longer will I continue to torture myself? Should I just come out with it? How could I? Will the pain and heartache from your rejection hurt more than the pain I feel now?
I will do whatever it takes for you to see me, truly see me how I see you now. I’d do anything to be with you, and I’d go anywhere and say anything to prove it. Please give me this chance. Let me love you and be everything you ever wanted in another human being. I’ll never let you down… And I’d certainly never break your heart.
I could go on for hours…and pages… And tears about how much this all really kills me. But sooner or later I have to dry my eyes and once again cross my fingers. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to hand you one of these letters… Maybe if I happen to give you the link to this site, you’ll come across mine. Maybe you’ll read it and have no idea it was meant for you. One thing is for sure… Ask me how many times you’ve crossed my mind, and I’ll say once… Because you never really left.
I love you. I hope one day I’ll have the courage and strength to tell you that. And maybe you’ll have the courage to let me.