• Hi, I’m Linden.

    by  • February 14, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Loneliness • 9 Comments

    And tonight I want to die.

    I want to tell each and every person that cares that I love them, then go to my room, lock the door, and just fade away. No worries, no cares, only me and myself being pulled into nonexistence. I could just leave everything behind. I could be weightlessly dragged into the black of nothing. I can feel the last tendrils of my meds letting me go, and I’m falling back into my on mind. I hate this, I hate everything, and I need to go. Is that so wrong?

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    9 Responses to Hi, I’m Linden.

    1. Cj
      February 14, 2012 at 11:03 pm

      Felt that way many times but you gotta just keep the faith and remember the problems we face only make us stronger people. There is a reason for everything and even if it feels like the depression is too much to bear just press on and know you are strong enough to get through anything, especially with God.


    2. Cj
      February 14, 2012 at 11:04 pm

      Also if you dying before it’s your time then you end up leaving family an friends behind with a lifetime of pain that could absolutely destroy them.


    3. TheInsomniaKat
      February 14, 2012 at 11:10 pm

      Yep, it’s wrong… you will leave all those who love you wondering what they could have done differently so that it would come to this… you will hurt them, you will make them angry, you will make them cry, you will make them scream, you will make them hate themselves, you will make them hate you… they will not be able to forgive you, they will not be able to forgive them… and yeah, that’s wrong…


    4. Autumn
      February 15, 2012 at 2:34 am

      It isn’t great.


      I think you should call this number. You said you have people who care and that you love. I don’t think you realize how amazing that is. I bet there’s someone who will read your comment and feel jealous because they would love to know someone cares.


    5. February 15, 2012 at 7:55 am

      Yeah that sounds wrong but who can know when you don’t tell anyone


    6. Anonymous
      February 15, 2012 at 9:14 am

      Eventually we all feel like we want to go and just leave everything out of our minds and away from us. But it can become so intense that it feels like the world is crashing down on you or that you are being dragged down by a heavy pull and can’t get rid of it, yet can’t quite figure out what it is that is making you feel this way. Most importantly ask yourself and be honest with yourself. Is the pain that you are feeling something that can change with support and help? And did it come about by you becoming so drawn into what really is bothering you? Everyone needs someone. And you don’t need to go searching for that one person. They may already be in your life. Go to them. and don’t feel ashamed of how you feel. put yourself first and what you see and wish yourself to be for yourself and not for anyone else.


    7. Lady
      February 15, 2012 at 9:43 am

      Heya Linden,

      I know things are rough… i know exactly how you feel. I won’t go comparing stories but I’ve been through an unruly amount of turmoil in the last 13 years. I can’t lie- These exact thoughts cross my mind here and there as well. Although it’s not wrong on some sick level that we both can understand but some who’ve never been in this position might not, you might want to consider thinking about how many people would be completely and utterly broken hearted over this loss. And if you’re thinking that nobody would really care, they’d probably move past it quickly anyway… but hopefully you realize that isn’t the truth at all, considering you said you know that people care. It’s hard to push through these times but as cheesy and cliche as it sounds, there are other ways to deal with this feeling. go somewhere new for a few days for a nice change of scenery (so refreshing) , or perhaps go to your favorite spot… maybe you’ve got a friend you would want to bring along and just have a nice chat in a comfortable setting. I’m sure you’re talented at something, and I also know that when we’re in this particular mindframe those hobbies seem pointless and annoying.. too much effort… so we just ignore it.

      Heres the thing-
      This depression is something that eats away at us
      It is a nasty nasty thing and if you think about it in a certain way, you can see that its almost like someone manipulating you… except its just a few chemicals gone awry in your noggin… but those chemicals sure can fuck with the mind.
      I’ve been dealing with these sorta situations on and off since for about 12 years now, and I’ve learned SO much. The best thing I learned is that when you have a bad day, that doesn’t mean you have keep it goin that way… you just have to muster up the energy to tell it to fuck off and say that you are going to start your day over on a good foot. when i first started doing this i found that taking a short nap would help me restart my day because it felt like waking up in the morning again.

      Don’t give up… don’t let this thing win… DON’T!!
      It’s taken so many people, but don’t let yourself be one of them
      You’re so strong, stronger than you know, and I feel like you could stand up to it once you see what I’m trying to get at.
      It feels like there’s no end to it… it feels like your stuck forever… you’ve dug a hole so deep that you can’t climb back out… BUT… its not true. set your mind to it… tell yourself that this thing isn’t gonna take over your day or your week or your life. hey, if you dont feel too goofy you can even just say it outloud as if it could hear you… gives it a bit more strength when you actually hear it out loud… coming from your own mouth… sounding so sure of yourself that you see you really can do it.

      It’s hard… it really is… but as time goes on and you find yourself in these situations, just try to remember these ideas if they are of interest to you. Most people who deal with it will deal with it for their whole life… but it doesn’t mean their life is a waste. Every time I let myself “beat” the depression, I find that the next time is easier to recognize, easier to threaten it, and easier to get over.

      You’ve got a good heart. I can sense it in your letter… its just one of those personalities that people are drawn to. there’s a song by Streetlight Manifesto called “Here’s to Life” (yeah, sounds lame and preachy and overly optimistic… but its not like that)… talks about some people who were depressed but fell to it and ended up killing themselves… but the singer is trying to get the point across that even though those people are his hero’s and they changed his life… but the suicide tainted those views a bit. “I don’t know much, but I do know this- With a golden heart comes a rebel fist, and I can’t help agreeing with those who would not quit.”

      if that one sounds too lame for you… there’s another quote by Common Rider in a song called “One Ton” which is a little bit less straight forward and gives you the chance to make your own ideas of the lyrics… I really like the lines “Walk through a beehive, never get stung.” I take it as being someone who gets stuck in so many shitty situations… and all those situations could easily bring you down, but somehow you’re able to walk right through them and not let them all take over you.

      I hope that you might be able to find something useful in this… I really do, because it kills me to see people, you, feeling this way when I know exactly how much pain goes into it… physical and emotional. Keep your head up, keep walking strong… no matter how slow you take these steps – as long as you keep stepping, you’re moving in the right direction.

      Please see that it’s not worth letting it win…
      You’ve got so many good times ahead of you. Yes, there will be bad times… but as someone who tends to focus on the impending shitty moments that I’ve got in my future, I can say that you just have keep reminding yourself that just because there is bad… doesn’t mean there isn’t good.

      People love you, and I’m willing to bet they’d do anything to help you if you confided in them (maybe not in such detail, but letting them know that you’re feeling a bit of desperation… its honestly nothing to be embarassed about.)

      Keep strong! Walk on through.



    8. s
      February 16, 2012 at 1:03 am

      Linden, i hope you woke up today and said i survived. because you deserve it.

      Letters Ill Never Send, reading this note hurt me. it sounds like a final letter, i didn’t think you would allow this letter on your site. i pray that Linden woke up, and we did not all just read her last words to the world.


    9. admin
      February 16, 2012 at 9:12 am

      @s – I published this letter because it seems like a letter with suicidal thoughts as opposed to a suicide note (which you know we don’t publish). Hopefully Linden can see all the notes written above and the great care that is being given to them and take the next step of getting help. Many people on this site have been in Linden’s shoes and understand that although it may seem dark and hopeless now, it is only temporary and will get better (and get better even faster with assistance from professionals). I’m sorry you’re sad, S. Reading these letters makes me very sad, too. Have hope, Linden and please get the help you need!



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