I can’t imagine how this valentines day WON’T be a complete train wreck for me. i know i know, “if you talk like that, then it will be!” but there are a lot of things that are factoring into this situation,
no- its not a simple “i’m a girl and i don’t have a boyfriend cause i’m lame so i’ll drown myself in chocolate and tears today” it’s so much more. that’s the difference… when you become an “adult,” it’s about something else entirely. I won’t get into too much detail, but all I can say is that I’m happy my therapist was booked for today resulting in my having to go tomorrow, the 14th, and have somewhere that not only forces me to get out of my bed and make myself look somewhat presentable, but somewhere that it’s okay if all i can say is i to curl up in the fetal position under a table in the corner and die… and do actually do so, apart from the dying.
harsh… but so is life.
Things are crazy. ridiculous. i HATE admitting it but my world is spinning more and more out of control and I’ve been rummaging through every thing in me that I can use to try and slow it down, get it back on track, make it a little less nauseating, keep people from trying to hide worrying about me, more than they already are, as they tell me everything is okay. BUT… life isn’t that simple, of course. Every time things slow down, before it ever gets the chance to actually settle to a reasonable level, everything gets stirred up so much more than it already had been. At this point I’m not sure if I’m proving to be strong enough to accept and handle every unnecessarily invasive mountain-of-a-bump in the road (enough for at least 3 people’s worth of hardships), OR if I’m actually just numb… completely ignoring it all and pretending it doesn’t exist, not handling it in the least, recognizing that its there, but looking away and not accepting its existence. Maybe its a combination, or maybe I’m in the process of a switch over. who knows? i sure as hell don’t.
I found myself driving my car last night when i came across several sets of tire marks on the highway, which for some reason made me think of ryan dunn’s car crash, which made me think of how easily a suicide crash could resemble a simple accident if thought out wisely enough. i thought about how maybe i had figured out the one way to finally stop living a life in a world i can’t seem to understand or fit into (how cliche) without leaving my family with the sour bitter nasty after taste of their precious girl offing herself. the pain that i imagine them going through by FAR out weighs all of my pain. I can’t stop living because it will hurt them… i can’t hurt them… they’re my everything and we’ve been through so much pain already that it would be the most inconsiderate, selfish thing to take my own life. but thats the issue… i am always thinking of others… i’m always trying to make everyone else happy and comfortable and i end up forgetting to make myself happy… i’ve forgotten how to do that… its just simply slipped my mind years ago and never returned… i dont understand how, but somewhere along the line one of the various traumatic events i had been through pushed me into being this way. so, the one thing i really feel like i could do to fix everything for MYSELF is the one thing i will never do and in turn ruin more things for others.
i’ve been having nightmares, night terrors, and flashbacks again recently.
I’m losing all of my sleep because, if my mind finally finds a way to settle itself one night, i can’t close my eyes without seeing something you’d never even find in the most obscenely, horrifically, terrorizing, mind-fucking horror movies. My eyelids barely close and a previously unknown source of imagery flashes though my mind so quickly that a whole terrifying sequence of events has played out in the time frame of a single blink of the eye. thats all it takes. a blink of the eye as i’m on the verge of passing out from a lack of sleep and suddenly my heart is pumping so quickly again that sleep is out of the question, and even if it was a possibility i’d most likely find a way to avoid it because of the shit my imagination can create without my knowing. i just wish that the small amount of sleep i find here and there throughout my days… an hour or 2 of down time… weren’t overflowing with an outcome of bruised knuckles, elbows, feet, knees, and scratches when i came back to reality. I can’t remember the last time i had a night without a nightmare. well, yes i can, it was the first night i felt safe in a long long time, when he stayed the night and all we did was cuddle and fall asleep together. before then and since then, its only been getting worse. and its a vicious circle too.. lack of sleep makes you crazier, and being crazier makes you sleep less (at least in my case right now). This, on top of so many other things… its so much. i feel like i’m failing.
so, with all of that pleasant love, joy, and happiness that i’ve spread…
HAPPY EARLY VALENTINES DAY.
Have one good enough for the both of us, please (and thank you, in advance)!