• If Only…

    by  • February 13, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    Seeing you again and hearing about your new life with her only made me hate you more for everything. It’s been almost a year since we parted ways, but after four years of being together, I can’t just stop loving you. I can’t just turn it off, no matter how badly I would like to. If only…

    If only you could have been the man then that I knew you could be. If only you didn’t have to make me feel horrible about myself, all the time. If only you could have taken responsibility for yourself and not make me grow up and be the only adult in our relationship. If only you could have really tried to make me happy…

    I can’t tell you how much it hurts knowing you are giving her everything I wanted with you. Why does she get to have the man that I fell in love with, who you used to be??? Why wasn’t I good enough for you? Every time I see you, you make me feel like you still love me but as soon as you’re gone, I realize it never meant anything. It kills a part of my heart every time.

    But I’m starting my own life now, without you in it. Even still, I wish you could be here with me to see all my accomplishments and see what I am becoming. I am doing all the things for myself that so many people believed I never could. I think you would be proud of me, if only you hadn’t given up on us.

    I know one day I will get over you but I will never forgive or forget you and everything you put me through. You caused so much hurt in my life, to the point where I don’t think I will ever be whole, I will always be damaged. Why then do I still love you, even after all that? It’s not fair that one person should have to bear so much pain from another.

    I found some of our old things today. I still can’t bring myself to throw away the letters to each other or any of the other memories I cling to. I think part of me will always yearn for you and wish things could have been different. But it’s too late for that now. I know we will never be together again and honestly that is probably for the best. But knowing this breaks my heart all over again thinking of all the things that could have been, if only…

    I will always love you and you will always hold a part of my heart.
    Always and forever your baby chicken,

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