I hate this damn day. I hate it so bloody much that last year I flew out of the country to avoid being here when it struck. I have no idea why I hate this day so bad, except that i have never gotten to spend it with someone I truly love. Never! And I am pissed about it.
I wish I could be with the person I love, I want us to do something romantic together, but he never even acknowledges the fucking holiday. Also, to be fair, he is across the state from me right now. Somehow I know it wouldn’t make any difference if he were here.
I flipped out on him last week. Really lost my mind in one of those emotional rushes I get from time to time. Sometimes someone says something and it triggers something deep inside of me and I can’t control it, I just go through the whole day feeling unloved. I guess that is what happens when you have a long history of abuse and violence in your past. He was so great while I was going through it though… Saying how much he cared for me, asking what he could do. Even until today when I was talking with my therapist, I was mad at him. Then I realized how silly I was being. However, I digress…
Last week, before he left, he bought a nice bottle of wine, put on some music and talked with me for hours. He is not romantic, but yet I so easily forget that he tries. He told me he loves me, that he never wants to be with anyone else and that I am it for him. It is everything I ever wanted, but I don’t want it anymore. My therapist thinks I am scared. I am. Of being with the wrong person and missing out on having kids. I honestly just wish sometimes that I could get pregnant and be rich enough to care for the child on my own. But more than anything, I want to share that experience with someone else.
God, please give me the strength to know and do what is right