• I hate Valentine’s Day

    by  • February 13, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Yearning • 2 Comments

    I hate this damn day. I hate it so bloody much that last year I flew out of the country to avoid being here when it struck. I have no idea why I hate this day so bad, except that i have never gotten to spend it with someone I truly love. Never! And I am pissed about it.

    I wish I could be with the person I love, I want us to do something romantic together, but he never even acknowledges the fucking holiday. Also, to be fair, he is across the state from me right now. Somehow I know it wouldn’t make any difference if he were here.

    I flipped out on him last week. Really lost my mind in one of those emotional rushes I get from time to time. Sometimes someone says something and it triggers something deep inside of me and I can’t control it, I just go through the whole day feeling unloved. I guess that is what happens when you have a long history of abuse and violence in your past. He was so great while I was going through it though… Saying how much he cared for me, asking what he could do. Even until today when I was talking with my therapist, I was mad at him. Then I realized how silly I was being. However, I digress…

    Last week, before he left, he bought a nice bottle of wine, put on some music and talked with me for hours. He is not romantic, but yet I so easily forget that he tries. He told me he loves me, that he never wants to be with anyone else and that I am it for him. It is everything I ever wanted, but I don’t want it anymore. My therapist thinks I am scared. I am. Of being with the wrong person and missing out on having kids. I honestly just wish sometimes that I could get pregnant and be rich enough to care for the child on my own. But more than anything, I want to share that experience with someone else.

    God, please give me the strength to know and do what is right

    2 Responses to I hate Valentine’s Day

    1. anonymous
      February 14, 2012 at 7:29 am

      I’d consider getting a new therapist. One who can identify relevant questions or issues.
      Scared of being with the wrong person/ missing out? Wanting to care for kids on your own (before having them)?
      I’d be concerned to find out why I was spending time on these “questions”/issues, and how in the heck to stop. Certainly… consistently spending quality time spent on either of these topics would directly result in them happening. If you like circles though… And probably just venting anyway.
      Keep that last one! That is, if you are actually looking for results that presently appear to be inappropriately categorized in Life’s card catalog under “things done onto me”.

    2. larry
      February 14, 2012 at 11:05 am

      loose the attitude and things might work for you…

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