• I Can’t…

    by  • February 13, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    We went back to your hometown to see your family for a weekend. Everything was going well, I met your parents… they were adorable and loving. Your older sisters are awesome and I could tell that they loved you even though they teased you mercilessly.

    During dinner one of your sisters asked how long we were dating for. We both blushed and looked at each other. “We aren’t dating” was the first thing out of your mouth… I followed with “Yeah, we’re just friends” while feeling my heart constrict a tiny bit. Dinner continued on but your family, especially your mom, kept glancing over at us. The night ended with movies and I ended up falling asleep on your shoulder like I always do and I felt myself being picked up and placed in a bed.

    I woke up in the middle of the night unaware of where I was but feeling thirsty so I got up to try to find my way around, I found the kitchen and began to pour a glass of water when a voice from behind me asked “Couldn’t sleep?”. I jumped about a foot in the air before realizing it was your mother. I nodded my head and we both laughed at how scared I was.

    We made small talk for a while but then she abruptly asked me “What do you feel for my son?”

    I stared at her for a while before replying “I care for him a lot. He’s an important person in my life, we are great friends”.

    She just looked at me and said, “Are you sure that’s everything? It seems like you have stronger feelings than that for him”

    I looked down at the counter and replied, “Even if I did it wouldn’t matter. He needs to work through his personal problems before he can be with anyone. The only thing I want out of him is for him to be happy.”

    “So you do care for him in that way then” she stated. And my heart instantly closed off, making my words get defensive and i said “I don’t know because I can’t let myself feel those things for him. I can’t think about loving him past our friendship, I can’t think about having a future with him where we’re married. If I do, I’m going to get hurt because he’s not thinking about it at all.”

    She nodded and apologized for pushing me. She gave me a hug and whispered, “you make him happy and that’s all I can ask for”, before she headed off to bed. I sat there with my thoughts until I fell asleep at the kitchen table.

    I woke up just to realize that I was in my own bed, at my own place, it was all a dream. My dream self was right… I can’t let myself think about you that way or else I’m going to be hurt.

    It’s just too bad my subconscious doesn’t agree with the rest of my brain.

    I dread those dreams because each one makes me want to be with you more and more and I’m terrified.

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