This isn’t me. The past few months searching for love then professing to do better and then realizing finally that I’ve been trying to do things the wrong way…without the help of God. It’s this constant battle between what I know is right and what I want.
I coveted something I shouldn’t have and He taught me this weekend in church that He doesn’t create those don’ts, just so that there is regulations out there but to protect my heart. My heart was hurt by wanting something that I shouldn’t have and someone else was hurt too. I’ve learned from that and asked for His forgiveness. I won’t do that again. I’ll never look at God’s law the same after this experience. I feel safe. I feel like I can really trust that He knows what is best for me.
I do have to get some things off my chest though.
Something that I can’t stand is that a lot of people just expect Christians to be perfect. We have it even harder, because Satan works even harder on us than anyone else. Why they put us up on a pedestal I don’t know? I am far from perfect and because I screw up in life everyone looks even more just because of what I profess to believe. I am a sinner. Nobody… nobody is perfect…
But after saying all of that I DO know better. This is not who I want to be. Through His strength I will. To all of you here I’m very sorry for my actions too. Now you see the real me… and the reason why I need God so much.
I’m no better and maybe just as bad as those bad people out there, but I’m humbled that God would even look at a sorry mess like me. To me He is faithful and amazing and so forgiving. I don’t want to be like I have been in the past. I want to do what is right in His eyes… not my own eyes.
I learned that bouncing is not good. I need time to heal. I need time to find myself. There is so much that I thought I wanted to have… like a man who really loved me for me. But what I just realized is that I NEED TO LOVE MYSELF FIRST. All my life I’ve spent time second guessing myself and not perfecting those talents that were given me. I don’t even know the half of what I can do in life. I know it’s in there somewhere…it’s discovering it that I’m trying to find.
I’m starting over this year and finally moving ahead with it. It’s so exciting for me!
I also learned not to mess up perfectly good friendships for my own selfish wants and desires. True love does what is best always for the other person. There are no ifs ands or buts about it. I am still lucky he looked past all that and is still my friend despite it all.
I’m starting over completely from scratch. I’m not looking for love. I don’t want love to come knocking at my door just yet. I need time to just being in love with life and discovering myself.
I went to a voice lesson a few days ago. I asked my teacher about how to get over the nervous jitters in front of people. She gave me some good pointers, but the thing that stuck out the most was when she said sometimes it is how the musician perceives themselves. However they feel sometimes comes out through their voice and music. It hit me like a lightening bolt (as cliche as it is to say).
I had been second guessing, critiquing myself during the middle of the performance and constantly saying to myself that it didn’t sound good. How selfish. It’s important to do that during practice…and let the teacher be the one to give good advice… but I was allowing during every single performance for doubts to seep in… that I wasn’t good enough.
Main point.. I didn’t think I could do it. I never have thought I could do it all of these years. In everything that I’ve done I’ve always been second guessing myself and too afraid to actually do anything with the talents I do have. I mean I would use them, but with no confidence whatsoever.
This year and last week I decided that fear is not going to overtake me in any aspect. I can do this. Anything that I set my mind to do I can do it. If I do fail I can take it as a learning experience and grow from it.
So I decided to trust my voice teacher to help me with the areas I need to improve and work hard, and to stop thinking that I can’t. I can. After thinking those thoughts someone told me they thought I was singing more confidently this weekend.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but I am so happy to finally be discovering that I can do anything I set my mind to.
Same thing with my exam this last week. Always been afraid of exams and always get sweaty palms, butterflies in my stomach, and a sick feeling all over my body. I have always hated getting my tests back for fear of failure, getting something wrong, or feeling that I was stupid for not getting something right.
I feel behind the times. But I just discovered after taking that exam that if I don’t get something it’s just because I didn’t understand it. It has nothing to do with me being stupid. I can learn what I didn’t understand and do better next time.
Oh yeah, and I have this terrible habit of being a night owl. I really need more sleep so I’m going to grow up and work on that, because I don’t do well without sleep.
This year is going to be about discovering about myself and learning to love myself. This year I’m starting over.