I know things didn’t work out as planned. Believe me, I sit up at night and wonder how you’re doing. I miss you so much, even just as a friend, I miss you so so much. You were perfect to me, treated me so well, I couldn’t even believe a guy like you existed. I really don’t know what I was thinking. I was torn over you and him, I went with him, it felt like the right thing to do, but I knew the actual right thing to do was to be with you. I’m scared his change isn’t permanent, you tell me it’s not and I know I’ll look like a fool if you prove me right. I’m hoping and praying he stays this way because he’s treating me right now, from what I know, he really is, and I’m sure you’d be a little happy about it.
I know you tell me he’s a liar and a cheater, I don’t know if that’s true. I know you’ll tell me I’m lying to myself and his lies make me happy, I don’t know if that’s true either. I also don’t know why I can’t say this to you. I guess I’m too scared of you flipping out on me. I do care about you. God, I care about you more than you know and I hate the change between us. The one word answers I send are because I’m trying to detach from you, because things remind me of you. I go to work hoping to see you, even if you wont talk to me, I just want to see you.
This is care, I do care for you.
I love him though. I fell for him long before you and I started talking. When you and I started hooking up, him and I weren’t together, but he still had my heart, but please don’t get me wrong, I had feelings for you, and some still linger on. The anxiety to see you, not bad anxiety, good anxiety. I know it’s wrong, and I know that you and I cannot carry on.
You’re being deployed this year.
I’m sorry, that’s such an emotional strain that I know I wouldn’t be able to handle, I’m not that strong, and at one point I thought I might be. Your anger though. Oh my, your anger. I think that’s actually what caused me to leave, is the fact that when you’re angry you tear me to pieces, you rip me apart, say I’m lying and used you. I never used you. I had legit feelings for you, something that night just told me, this isn’t right, maybe you’re not the one for me.
You say that you should become a jackass and lie and cheat on girls, stop being the nice guy, and maybe girls wont be able to move on from you.
No, don’t do that.
You told me in the beginning in one of our fights that I was like every other girl who goes back to their cheating boyfriend. Maybe I am.
I worry and wonder about it everyday. But believe me, one day, when you meet that one special girl who steals your heart and you fall in love, you’re going to want to give her the world. You deserve better than what I could give you, hun.
I may seem cold and distant towards you, but it’s for your best benefit, I promise
And you telling me you miss me and wish I was there makes it so hard for me to not go to you and hug you.
I do miss you holding me.