Today I have more assignments than humanly possible to complete. But, here I am writing a letter once again just to vent.
Oh how sometimes I hate you, and other times I miss you. Usually, I hate you because I miss you. I do not like to wonder how you are doing, I just hope you’re not dead on the side of the road somewhere.
Gosh, I miss that connection we had… though now that I think about it, I presume I made it up during our time together. Actually, though we have some of the same qualities we are total opposites.
Every now and then I wonder if I love(d) you or if I was comfortable with you. I wonder why if all I want to do is go out and enjoy myself, then why do I turn down dates with nice guys and avoid going out most nights? It makes no sense; I am not sure if I want to avoid who I was or if I feel like I am not over you.
Obviously, I know I broke up with you about 5 months ago, but we never really “broke up”. I still saw you on the weekends and we still fooled around, and oh god we cuddled. Cuddling, seriously you managed to make me into that girl I didn’t wish to be.
Remembering who I was and who I have become, I feel there is a fine line between which I prefer. Before I was messed up but I always got what I wanted, and now after I changed people would argue that I have become a better person, but I argue that I am not happy with who I have become. I was more content being care free and never falling in love.
Aren’t ladies strange in a way. We get, or maybe just me… I get mad for falling to a guy’s tricks, I get mad because he changed me but in truth I let myself change, I get mad because we are over but I broke up with him. Female logic, not exactly logical.
None the less, it is not easy. I mean, I am not breaking down crying or anything. It just feels as though I have a weight on my shoulders that I cannot shrug off.
Good guys are not easy to find, but I am not in the mood to find new guys. I want to focus and finalize the details for my volunteer position in Haiti, and finish my program to get my career and move out of this place.