• I give up.

    by  • February 11, 2012 • Moving On • 0 Comments

    I do. I think you know that I do.

    For months I’ve been trying to just spend time with you. I miss you so fucking much all of the time and it is torturous. I know that the fault of you and I breaking up rests entirely on my shoulders. I made a huge mistake a year ago. Literally, a year ago. And I’ve explained it and apologized a handful of times but it will never be enough.

    You being unable to really forgive me and start over with me, I can understand. The water gets pretty fucking murky when you decide to fuck with my head over it. Texting me lyrics to Transatlanticism and My Backwards Walk? You are fully aware that those songs are incredibly associated with you in my mind. And the worst part is that you know how I feel. You know that I still have feelings for you and you’ve made it clear that the feelings you had for me died a long time ago.

    So stop texting me lyrics to our unspoken song. Stop telling me you miss me, stop telling me you read the letters I used to write to you often, stop telling me you wish I was there. You’re fucking torturing me, but I guess that’s what you want. I’ve punished myself more than you could ever punish me. You are on my mind all of the time and I tried so hard to give you space. I think I did a really good job with that and I was really mature about it. I’ve been trying to come back into your life as a friend. I want more than that, you know I want more than that, but I also know that it’s not that easy and that I’ll never have more.

    For awhile, I genuinely thought that you still had feelings for me, however dim they may have been. Now I see that whatever you feel toward me is negative. It seems to me like you want to punish me, like you want to fuck with my head, like you want to see me hurt. Well, congratulations. Mission accomplished.

    I’ve written a million letters to you, pining for you. This letter is my declaration of independence. This letter is my last letter to you. You’ll probably never see it, but it doesn’t matter. You will not hear from me again, and I doubt you’ll care. You’re not who I thought you were. I fell in love with you over aspects of your personality that don’t even really exist. It’s time that I accept that and forget about you.

    I hope you find happiness someday.

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