• My side of the story, the one you never heard.

    by  • February 10, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Regret • 0 Comments

    Ever since the first time I saw you, I knew you were different. I really dont know what it was about you that made me so drawn to you. Maybe it was your honey colored eyes, or your thick straight hair and how you spiked it up with that wax stuff. Or maybe it was that beautiful smile you have. The funny thing about all of this though is I noticed all these details about you just in those moments I ever laid eyes on you. For starters, I never even thought I had a chance, ever. I didn’t even think we would become friends. Yet, somehow we did and you became one of the best friends I ever had. I always liked you. It was never in a creepy way, but I always had a cruch on you throughout our friendship. Before you say anything, I will admit it. Yes, I was that girl that I always talk crap about. You know, the one that like her friend and sits there and listens to him talk about all these hot girls and doesnt say anything because she is never gonna have a chance with him? I was that girl. I had completely accepted the fact that you were my friend, best friend, and that was all we would ever be.

    So, as time passed, we kept being super close. You were always one of my best friends, which was weird because you were a boy. This wasnt common for my 14 year old self. Other friends came and went, but you were always there for me like I was for you. So then, when we were both 16 and started to hang out alone together it wasn’t very weird anymore. Although the first time we went out to eat at the Texas Road House, I was nervous. I picked out my best outfit, did my hair in the best way and even wore make up. (I still have the napkins we wrote all over in a shoebox somewhere in my room at my mom’s house.)It kind of became a routine for us. A part of me felt like I was getting over this crush I had. So it wasn’t weird when we would go out to eat and watch movies together or when you would come pick me up. Then you got a girlfriend and of course these things stopped and I was once again reminded of my crush on you. Let me tell you, those 3 months when your girlfriend wouldnt let you hang out with me were probably the longest 3 months of my life. But of course you ended that real quick and you came back to being my friend again. (you also apologized which is something you never do!) So our routines started again. It was always you and me, best friends. Then, I got a boyfriend. I didn’t expext this to happen but a cute boy that just came to our school had a thing for me. I figured, well, why not? You knew him somewhat, you knocked his ass out at football practice every chance you got. You also criticized everything about him to me. You reminded me all the time how much he sucked at football. Oh and you were also the one who informed me that he cheated on me. So that ended too.

    So there we were again, almost 17 and still best friends. But this time, we were closer. I started coming to your house more and you started to sneak in to my room to watch movies through the window because we all knew my mom could never find out. Then that is when I started to wonder if you liked me. Do you know how much I thought about this? I nearly stressed myself out about it for months. I analyzed our friendship constantly. I figureed if you liked me, you would tell me but you never did. So I hope you can understand why I was so confused; and we both knew I wasn’t going to be the first to say anything. Not only did I notice, but everyone else did too. They kept asking us when we would get together, or why weren’t together, or when we would get married. Yet, neither of us budged. We always denied it. So when I was starting to lose hope again my ex boyfriend, the asshole, came back; of course I went back to him.

    This time you were more critical then before. You were so upset as to why I would do this. You knew he wasn’t my boyfriend but you were so mad that we were talking again. After torturing you for a week I decided to be a little bold. I told you I was thinking about being with someone. You automatically assumed my ex. You kept telling me I shouldnt and that it was a bad idea. Then I told you I was going somewhere. You kept asking me where and I wouldn’t tell you. You kept bugging and bugging and I would just respond to you asking “Why do you care so much about what I do?” Yet, you wouldnt tell me. So after 30 minutes of this exhausting back and forth conversation you finally budged. You told me you liked me. In fact, you kinda yelled at me. You said, “BECAUSE I LIKE YOU OK!!!” And that was it. That was the official start of our fairy tale.

    We were young and stupid, but damn did I really love you. I always knew you felt the exact same way. Sure, we had our ups and downs, A LOT of downs; but, we never gave up on one another. We survived through only one break up of maybe 3 months.Even though we had rocky moments we always found our way back to each other. I grew up with you. You were my life, you were my everything. I never knew how much love I was capable of feeling. I would’ve done anything for you. In a weird way, I always knew we would be together. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized I experience love at first sight with you. I really don’t know how else to explain it but I just always knew you were the one for me. I didn’t care to know anyone else. I still have this diary, somewhere at my mom’s house, that I wrote in before we even got together. I wrote that I would marry you one day. Me and you, it was real. We were just a couple of kids back then, but it was real.

    I really can’t explain what happened because I really don’t know. All I knew was that my family was falling apart and I had to move away. I didn’t move too far, maybe 45 min w/traffic but I was also going to college there. My life was changing everywhere around me and you were the only thing that I felt was home. I had felt abandoned by my parents. You know they left for a while. Im pretty sure my dad hit his midlife crisis during this time. You also know that school was getting treally hard especially because I was working full time and I was also working an internship. Plus, my car was a piece of crap that barly worked but I didn’t have the money to get a new one. I had rent,bills and everything else to pay for. I had so much on my plate and I had barely turned 19. Somehow though, I was getting through it. But, you know I always looked forward to fridays at 8 because that’s when I was off work. I would come straight to you. You were my everything. You made me life stable when everything was so chaotic. Then my car broke and I was stranded away from you. I had to rely on the bus and light rail to get around. Sadly, the bus didnt take me to you. So, I started working more to save more money to get myself out of this. You rarely came to visit. I knew your intentions were not to abandon me, but I felt lonely. All I ever wanted was to be with you, but I was so stressed out that I felt I was doing everything to come see you. All I wanted was for you to come to me too, like I had been coming to you for so long.But, you rarely did.Things were getting worse at home too. Plus, we were starting to fight more.

    Then I met a friend. He was really cool. He had a girlfriend and I would tell you about him. He also struggled like I did and he knew where I was coming from. I would vent to him about you and my life and he would vent to me about his girlfriend and his life. We had a lot of things in common. Then I started telling him more things. You knew what was going on with my parents, but you didn’t know everything. I dont know why I was so ashamed to tell you everything, but I just was. I started to tell him. He listened. All he ever did was listen to what I said. He also remembered everything I said. He remembered what I felt, how I said it, and things I did. He was proud of me for never giving up. He made me feel good about myself when all I ever felt like was how I never was going to get out of this mess. You were still in my life, You were still my love. But, you just didn’t get me anymore. Maybe I didn’t get myself. But somehow, he made me feel like I was going to be ok. Then I started hiding him from you. I was talking to him more often. We even hung out a couple of times. I kept telling myself it was ok because I loved you. I wanted you. I just couldnt stop talking to him. Then, my friend kissed me one day. I never told you. I was so ashamed. I couldn’t look into your beautiful light brown eyes, or imagine that beautiful smile of yours to crumble off your face. I just couldnt stand the thought of you being hurt. I would never expect you to understand, but I think what I was going through was much much worse than what I would’ve made you feel. I was ok with holding all the pain in. I was strong enough. But I couldnt stand the thought of hurting you. I then realized that I loved two people. That is why I broke up with you.

    I dont deserve you and you dont deserve what I did to you. There is no excuse for my actions. Nothing you did made it ok for me to do what I did. But, I just wish you could understand how it happened. I knew you were there for me, but I felt like you weren’t. I was alone. I was overwhelmed with my life and all I needed was for you to be the best friend that you had always been. I needed you to put a little more effort into our relationship. I should’ve been more open and I should’ve told you everything and made you listen. I should’ve stopped talking to him and tried talking to you more. I just felt so alone in this place and I thought he was the only one who understood my pain.

    If you’re reading this, which I highly doubt; I hope I don’t bring you anger. I still love you I will always love you.I know I hurt you so much. Trust me, its worse to see the person you love in pain, especially knowing that you caused it. I wish I could have just taken it all from you and taken it myself. My five year frienship with you was the best time of my life. This past year with us being seperated has been the hardest but I know both of us will be ok. No matter what though,I have tried to live my life without you and some days I still feel empty. I still feel like I can just drive to your house and lay in bed with you wand you will just hold me. Sometimes, when I see you, I know you feel that way too.I hear through friends that you still love me, but you feel betrayed. This I don’t know for sure but despite everything that happened between us, I feel like you want to come back. But, I dont deserve another chance and you agree with that. It’s crazy to think how after everything we are still kind of friends. I figured after this long we wouldn’t even be talking anymore but there we are; still managing to find conversations to exchange. I think the worst part in all of this is that I will never get my best friend back.

    I should’v done a lot of things differently. I don’t know why I behaved like I did. I regret my actions but at the same time I don’t. You see, they helped me grow. I have grown into such a better person than I ever thought I would be. I wish I could show you who I am now. This girl is not insecure anymore. She admits her faults, she is not as stubborn, and doesn’t stress out so easily anymore. Her self confidence has gone way up and she loves to make people happy. I wish you could see this girl. She would do anything to make the love of her life smile and she would always try to make them happy. I wish you could see how much she’s grown.

    Sometimes, I still feel like you are the one. Maybe it’s just my crazy wish that I dream of, but I still feel like it will happen again. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but someday. I think maybe one day you will forgive me and realize the love we have for each other is bigger than anything else in this world. Maybe that 15 year old girl that wrote in her diary is right; and that young, cute couple, the one that were best friends, will get married one day. But for now, I must let you live your life and let you try to be happy. That is all I ever wanted for you. You’re amazing.I hope you find yourself like I have. I care about you so much and only want th best for you. I really don’t know what the future has in store but. I am a firm believe everything happens for a reason. The future holds nothing but surprises. Maybe you’ll meet the love of your life tomorrow; in all honstey as much as it hurst to say it, I hope you do, because you deserve her.

    I will always love you.

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