I’m just going to start off by saying that I am tired — really tired right now and not really in the mood for painting vivid images with my words.
It has been a long few days and I’m exhausted. My “high” came a couple days ago in the form of my unexpected results from the DLAB test I took on Wednesday. God just helped me open up the “promised land of the Air Force” as my youth pastor and very good friend had stated.
My future is looking very bright indeed, and I’m incredibly excited at the path that lays ahead of me and cannot wait until I begin this journey.
Yet in the midst of these parting storm clouds lies a void as empty and lifeless as the chasm at my feet. I am a family man, a lover, a hopeless romantic, and no matter how hard I try to keep my focus on the things moving around me forging my future, I’m stuck staring at the empty space in the equation and wondering when, if ever, it is going to be filled.
I just wish to find that special someone who is regularly by my side with her support and encouragement. I want to be special to her and make her proud of me. I want that someone who see’s the value in my smile and the warmth of my heart and thinks to herself “This is the man I want to be with, and no other.” It’s been so long, I’ve nearly forgotten what it’s like. I remember only shadows of this form of love, which disappear as soon as the sun vanishes beneath the horizon.
Even today, as I went out and had a great time laughing and hanging out with my best friend, the fatigue began to set in, as did this spell of loneliness. I don’t want to start my journey alone… In all earnestness, it scares me. It scares me to think about eternal loneliness, with nothing but a career, a friend or two, and my own parents and sister. I want a family of my own. I want to be with that amazing woman and pave the way for our fairy tale together. I want to be a father and watch my children grow into the amazing people I know they will be someday with an unquenchable love and respect for their parents. I WANT THAT!! Yet it feels so far away.
I fear I don’t stand out enough to catch her eye. I fear I’m too introverted and shy to pursue any relationship and find my princess. I fear I’ll never meet the right one because our paths are not destined to intersect, or that the “one” may not even exist for me. I fear many things that will interfere with this beautiful dream of mine, and sometimes I can’t help but sit here and fail to retain the persistent tears that escape my eyes over the sense of hopelessness that cascades over my head and seeps into my soul.
*sigh* I just don’t know… This idea of a successful career is great, but how can it compare to the affections of the heart? I’m obsessed with the idea of Love, especially romantic love, because it is so beautiful and pure. And I fear it will forever elude me, only to dwell in the realm of dreams and wishful thinking…