• i want to hold your hand and waste friday nights with you.

    by  • February 10, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Yearning for You • 1 Comment

    Dear

    I feel creepy thinking this, telling you this. I would be creeped out if I were you. But the truth is i like you. a lot. Even when i met you almost a year ago i walked away telling my friend how cute you were.

    Then we started our class together it never really stuck, i never realized it was you! Then at the concert, you were playing drums. That’s about when i started thinking about you. In the middle of the concert i muttered to myself “damn he is so hot when he plays drums”. I went to class the next day hoping it all came together for you too. it didn’t. But how would you realize the girl watching you 20 rows back. Damn i feel creepy. All you wanted was the place i was sitting, next to your friend. I let you have it.

    I have looked on your facebook, and you keep saying cute awesome stuff other guys wouldn’t. “I have to say i haven’t stopped thinking of you since i woke up” you tweet things like “all i want to do right now is cuddle” i just think of that and i get butterflies in my stomach. This wasn’t meant towards me but i wish it was. But then you go off and say things about drugs and i hate it, i want to think that you don’t but i think you do. please don’t.

    Well, I guess the fact you have looked at me twice might mean nothing but i hope it does. I think you look at me more but my mind is probably just imagining it. That makes me think you like me but you hang out with other people. Not my group “higher up on the social ladder” then me. I don’t what to think. I just want to know if you like me and i would hope that you do. I don’t talk much in class but you just need to get to know me.

    This sounds creepy but all i want you to know is that i really really like you and i think your really awesome and sweet and cute and awesome. i might just want someone to love me and care about me but i if so i really want that someone to be you. I feel like an idiot but i dont know what to do. i really do, feel like an idiot. ill probably get my heartbroken, again.

    i want to hold your hand and waste friday nights with you.

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    One Response to i want to hold your hand and waste friday nights with you.

    1. this reminds me......
      February 11, 2012 at 3:37 pm

      I doubt anyone will read this. (Not sure if an edit will be needed so it all will fit…)
      I had a friend (who i haven’t been able to keep touch with) used to avoid saying this very kinda thing. Which made it very obviously a different situation.

      He pretended to want to say:

      “I don’t talk much… but you just need to get to know me. This sounds creepy but all i want you to know is that i really really like you and i think your really awesome and sweet and cute and awesome. i might just want someone to love me and care about me but i if so i really want that someone to be you. I feel like an idiot but i dont know what to do. i really do, feel like an idiot. ill probably get my heartbroken, again. i want to hold your hand and waste friday nights with you.”

      What he actually said was:

      I am in the most unusualest of and trickiest situations. I like you so much and want to spend time with you; you like me so much and want to spend time with me; we fell in love with each other but {being in HS,} know that we r supposed to be friends. However immediately after it happened, I realized it’d be way too embarrassing to ever speak to you about what would need to be spoken of because I’ll end up showing my true self. I can’t but it’s ok. In fact this will easy, shmeasy at first. I can avoid speaking to you by blame it on being busy at work, how much i have to do at home, how much the community and my friends need me. Then I can move into…how this is riduculous anyway at this age, how the places are wrong, the times are all wrong, my dog is sick. By now i’m going to have to step it up a notch because you not an idiot but this should do it here. I’m not sure how you will ever manage to recover from this but, I’ll use… how demanding you are, how much of a bitch you are being, how much a bitch my sister’s being, how unhealthy you are FOR ME, how your personality seems to have turned bad, how deep down i hate you anyway. By now i’ll have to start venting somehow because it’s not easy anymore to hold all that stuff that I refuse to say. Lots of options there though. And, this will be interspersed with being nice sometimes because don’t forget, I really do love you and want to spend time with and want to make sure you aren’t going anywhere by showing you a TEENY TINY SMIDGEON of me. Its the weirdest thing that when i do show myself, i feel good. But nevermind. Won’t take much of showing me. Plus I’ll dilute the no-talking further with talking about the memories of how great it is, I mean, how great it was. I want it to be again but know deep down inside what that would require. Aint happening if I can even by now remember what it was I was trying to avoid in the first place. One thing I cant deny is I can’t say anything more to you. You, who I truly have feelings for and who I know has feelings for me, because I’m 100% sure that i’d be seen as a fool (even though i’ve never experienced this before and have no idea what I’m SUPPOSED to “look like” to someone who so very obviously wishes to be in the presence of ME. I only inadvertently ‘showed’ ME when i was caught off guard with my defenses down. …i’ve now entered the realm of stating the obvious because common sense dictates that if a person wants to spend time with ME, than said-person has ALREADY ARRIVED AT THE CONCLUSION THAT THEY WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH ME. SO WHAT ‘I think i look like to them’ VERY OBVIOUSLY WOULDNT BE A FACTOR). Regardless that I’ve never done this before, I just cant’ take a chance because it just feels too weird. So much so that I don’t even care that I can’t even remember that im avoiding this anymore. Plus i’ve caused so much collateral damage that now i’m having to somehow manage that. No easy task for someone not talking!!! I might just be a genius come to think of it. Truly. But I must carry on with this because that feeling I felt that day was SO strong. You know, that day that fall in the beginning? And I’m sure those overwhelming physical volcano like feelings had NOTHING to do with my then-recent dietary 12 ounce fluid intake change. {if this is true, it may not apply} I was told it might take awhile for my body to adjust chemically but Im not concerned with anyone else’s opinion. Besides…I have to speak to someone about that too. Now that I mention it to myself, these weird big-feeling feelings also have nothing to do with me needing to make possible other adjustments anything potentially helpful. Besides, I’d have to talk and so on and so forth. Even talking about any of this, or talking about how i can’t talk to anyone aren’t options. I’m uncomfortable even talking about this to myself YIKES. I gotta move to some other options. There are so many. So many ways to spin all the details of this complicated mess. Shit I could come up with millions of ways to say anything but that one, original topic. Real interaction with someone I have feelings for. Excuse me I have to go check the price of milk in New Guinea. Luckily, it’s so easy to talk about so many other things as is obvious if you are still reading which i doubt you are.

      So, instead continuing on one of life’s roads that involves another person who I have feelings for, I am jumping ship….and swimming. Yeah I know. It’s the ocean and not an ideal place to be swimming. Alone. Plus for some reason I always feel like im going in circles but I can deal with that. If only I could remember the last time I saw land. Hmmmmm.
      Now…where was I? Oh yes. Back to how i think i would look to you if I were to look human. I can no longer show any of myself becasue i don’t want to risk showing you me even though you have already determined you want to, 100% beyond a shadow of doubt want to see me and talk to me.

      What he wanted to say was:

      This sounds creepy but im scared that you’ll think im a weirdo because im not accustomed to showing emotion. NEVER actually….and just thinking about it makes me want to break down. Im glad you want to spend time with me because it’s cool feeling like someone accepts me for me. all i want you to know is that i really really like you and i think your really awesome and sweet and cute and awesome. i might just want someone to love me and care about me but it’ll be slow-going. plus we are so young but we walked in with our eyes open so have to deal. i want to hold your hand and waste friday nights with you, have fun, and whatever else happens! This is new to me but I know so much is new to you also.

      🙂




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