• was that actually you?

    by  • February 9, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 19 Comments

    highly unlikely, but in the small chance it was…

    You’re right about a lot of things, but I wouldn’t agree with everything. It’s so easy to misunderstand actions and intentions, to see things as they are not, but they will remain that way if not given the chance to be made clear. I think you’ve got the wrong impression about some important things (I can see how that might easily happen). I’ve said it before- don’t hesitate to tell or ask me about anything that crosses your mind. I really do wish you’d come to me to say these sort of things out in the open, but we both know how little you’ve let yourself out. I’m still trying to figure out what you’re about; You’ve got so much of yourself covered up and you don’t seem to be ready to show any of it yet- that’s fine, but its hard to know you and talk to you when this is the case. This is such a mess. Believe me when I say that I want to hear the truth even if you think it would hurt me… It won’t… words don’t hurt me, actions do, and if the hurt does come around- just like for everyone, time heals all wounds, BUT likewise, just like everybody, there are those times when I’m not understanding and I question everything and nothing makes sense because I close myself off. I don’t at all doubt that it shows; Its simply because I’m hurting for some reason, even if it has nothing to do with you, and sometimes I forget how to shake myself out of it. What sounds like a cheap, shitty excuse is reality for so many people, in that one little thing will blow so many other things out of proportion; I can be so easily overwhelmed and the answers that are, to you, so obviously sitting right there in front of me are, for me, right out of my reach because of what is so frustratingly out of my control. I can easily come off as someone other than myself because of it, which is for me the worst part… but its all the more reason to keep moving. For a long time I felt that if someone really wanted to change, they would. Now I know that it isn’t that simple, the people that are “lazy” or “unmotivated” or “hypocrites” aren’t necessarily coming off that way for no good reason. I’d definitely take the time to explain why I act the way I do if you asked; theres so much more to me than is presented, but how often do we hear people say that? It sounds fake. We’re different people with different experiences, different opinions, different minds, different actions… but this doesn’t at all mean I’m not open to see where you or anyone else is coming from and possibly learn something without being ignorant and defensive. I’m determined to push myself and be the best possible version of myself that I can from my own effort. I’m trying with all of the energy I can muster up, but I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been slacking lately. Now, I’ve tired of that slacking and I’ve started making some changes… they might be slow, but they’re happening, and I know I’ve got plenty more growing to do by myself before I could possibly grow with someone else. Its nice to let myself see my own accomplishments for a change. It reminds me that I am much stronger than I’m letting myself recognize and display. The most important thing I need you to know is that I don’t expect you to be a pillar for me to lean on, I don’t expect you to be there whenever I need you, I don’t expect you to be my motivation, driving force, reason for being, or anything else; I don’t want you to be, because I’ve grown and learned so much in the last year before and after everything happened, and there’s no way I could let myself take the easy way out by depending on another. Sometimes I think you’re taking some of what I say or do the wrong way, thinking that I need you or that I dwell on what I actually do not, and that’s something that bothers me. I’m bad with my words when I’m trying to talk about something important, I never get my point across the way I want to, I forget a lot important details, my mind is too disorganized, I forget what point I’m trying to make and veer off in a completely different direction, and thats probably what gives people the wrong impression of me. But still, the strides I’ve made are the one thing I’m the most proud of and to give that up would defeat the whole purpose of my goals and would only result in losing myself again. That’s not going to happen… even when I fall behind a step, I know its not so bad because I took 2 or 3 steps forward before that, which means I’m not starting over from the beginning, I haven’t failed, I’ve just got a little catching up to do. I’m not looking to be excused for anything that I say or do, or prove myself to anyone to establish some sort of false sense of respect, I’m just trying to be honest and understood. I’ve still got so much to say, so if this really is you maybe we’ll get to talk a bit more in depth at some point. I want to hear whats on your mind, I would never think any less of you for anything you say, if that’s a concern at all.

    Related Post

    19 Responses to was that actually you?

    1. anonymous
      February 9, 2012 at 2:53 pm

      I thought this was for me but obviously not


    2. --
      February 9, 2012 at 6:01 pm

      Some sort of indicator of who this may be to would be fantastic. It’s just too close to call…


    3. Enjay
      February 9, 2012 at 6:20 pm

      @anonymous: so did I, but it would also appear not to be so.


    4. ==
      February 9, 2012 at 9:46 pm

      Are you SURE you want to know who I am?
      REALLY sure?
      or is this something you might regret asking afterward?

      whatever the case… I’m a girl, if that narrows it down at all…. ha.
      I don’t really know what sort of indicator you think would be helpful?


    5. --
      February 9, 2012 at 10:43 pm

      That did it. Thank you SO much (haha). And I really hope things get worked out for you…that the person who needs to see this will!


    6. anon
      February 10, 2012 at 8:05 am

      this is to me i think


    7. anonymous
      February 10, 2012 at 12:27 pm

      It’s a mess, you said it. I really am glad you feel that you are making steps forward! I’ll take your word for it because well you have given me no choice. …complete control over all interactions is abuse, is say but surely more is coming on this.


    8. so you know
      February 10, 2012 at 12:56 pm

      This abuse has been going on since that last time you saying incredible things to me that made my heart flip around and around three long months ago. Your sweet face said just enough then began the abuse that did not allow for any relationship. None. Seems would wreak havoc on your life, maybe not. Maybe excessive dreams are desperate attempts to release SOMETHING from your poor overloaded head. Maybe you find yourself struggling a bit more with the volume of liquid escape and/maybe or the frequency. Maybe your head is swimming. heck somethings gotta give somewhere. i don’t know. maybe not.


    9. the truth
      February 10, 2012 at 1:04 pm

      …you asked. I’m guessing this is same truth that your abuse has, among other things, prevented you from hearing.


    10. so what im saying is....
      February 10, 2012 at 3:00 pm

      I’ll do my best at writing out some of truths as i know them to be.


    11. =
      February 12, 2012 at 9:24 pm

      To those of you who think this might be to you…

      what makes you believe it?

      I’m curious to see if this random website really did bring my words to the “you” that this letter is actually written to.

      I’ve got a funny feeling its none of you… i can’t even tell how many of these comments are from different people or the same person multiple times… and reading the letter again, i realize it comes off in a different way that I intended to… even though it describes everything perfectly, it sounds like something else.

      and i feel like one or more of you is pretending to be me?
      i’m not sure
      i cant tell

      thats the downfall of this website.


    12. =
      February 12, 2012 at 9:28 pm


      and to anonymous, so you know, the truth, and so what i’m saying is….

      what are you talking about, “abuse?”

      I said nothing of the sort in this letter.


    13. =
      February 12, 2012 at 9:32 pm

      if you’re talking about alcohol…. i don’t even drink…


    14. moi
      February 12, 2012 at 10:52 pm

      I haven’t commented before. But I think this letter was written as a reply to a letter that I had written. I’m not sure if you are the person I addressed my letter to or someone else. My letter was written to a former friend that was female. I am female as well.


    15. =
      February 12, 2012 at 11:21 pm

      to moi-
      lol, well i have no idea which letter you are referring to…
      its possible you’re speaking of the right one, I know that whichever was almost completely unlikely to be for me.
      but its always good to get some thoughts out on the table so they stop bouncing around our heads.


    16. Enjay
      February 13, 2012 at 8:52 am

      To the author:
      This is my second comment (none of the others with varying names are me) in answer to your “what makes you believe it” question.

      I am skeptical and regularly over-thinking things, which leads me to believe I am not the person you are writing to, and that you are not the person I think you could be. But I have written many letters on here so the likelihood that she has read one of them and then written this letter in reply is probably greater than most. Here are some parts of your letter that lead me to believe you *could* be her:

      “we both know how little you’ve let yourself out” — This is pretty accurate in reference to myself.

      “there are those times when I’m not understanding and I question everything and nothing makes sense because I close myself off” — This describes the “her” I knew fairly well.

      “theres so much more to me than is presented” — Sounds like something she would say.

      “I’m determined to push myself and be the best possible version of myself that I can from my own effort.” — This DEFINITELY sounds like something she would say and I can easily see her pursuing that frame of mind.

      “The most important thing I need you to know is that I don’t expect you to be a pillar for me to lean on…” — This, and the rest of that statement, is a similar perspective (if not dead on) of the woman I knew.

      “I’ve grown and learned so much in the last year before and after everything happened” — “Everything that happened” took place at the beginning of last year, so the time frame seems accurate, though I suppose that depending on the context, the timing could be off.

      “I’m bad with my words when I’m trying to talk about something important, I never get my point across the way I want to, I forget a lot important details, my mind is too disorganized, I forget what point I’m trying to make and veer off in a completely different direction” — Hmm… does indeed sound like her as well, though it also could prove an accurate description of myself, too.

      In all, I only had big one issue with this letter which keeps me from believing you are her: Your desire to want to sit down and talk things out with the person you are addressing. Everything else appears to check out, but last time I talked to her she made me promise never to contact her again in any form. The only *possible* exception would be once I got my life put back together, but even that is sketchy. She seemed quite adamant on that issue. But perhaps this letter is her changing her mind. Only one way to find out, and that’s by clicking the “Post Comment” button for this rather long “comment”.

      Even if you aren’t her, I wish you the best in your pursuit of all you hope for.

      God bless,


    17. =
      February 13, 2012 at 5:17 pm

      ahh, i see, well… i’m sorry to inform you that I’m not the girl you knew.

      I know all too well how easy it is to keep convincing yourself of something that you want even if things don’t line up just right, saying things along the lines of “maybe they changed this fact to hide their true identity or something,” … you know, anything to get that bit of excitement and happiness from a place which does not truly provide it, because we can’t find it anywhere else either. I’ll admit that I even found myself paying more attention to your reasoning than necessary.

      so, to keep BOTH of us from second guessing ourselves…

      in regards to your saying “the woman I knew,” as well as the last paragraph of your comment-
      I’m still in contact with the guy whom I’ve written this letter to, I had never told him to stop all contact with me, in fact we both agreed to keep as much contact as we could. we typically communicate quite well.

      the “everything that happened” wasn’t in the beginning of last year, it was only about 5 or 6 months ago

      my saying the, “sometimes I don’t understand” statement was actually because its not like me to be that way, and I know that people often forget that someone’s usual ways can be absent for one reason or another and it can come off as something else. I’m widely known as someone who’s way too understanding for my own good… I can literally put myself in the shoes of anyone in any situation and understand how their own personal logic could lead to their action, or lack there of… no matter how cruel or disgraceful or wonderful or exciting or rare their situation may be. Its kinda cool, but can surely be undesirable at times because when most people would defend themselves in a certain situations (primarily ones in which the intentions were good but the outcome was bad), I can’t help but NOT resort to being defensive because knowing someone wasn’t out to hurt me makes a world of difference in those sorts of times, and i personally think that everyone deserves to explain themselves because so many people are too quick to jump to conclusions and assumptions and risk missing out on wonderful happenings in the future. maybe I got the wrong impression and that’s what you were trying to get at anyway… but still, the other evidence shows that I’m not the girl you were hoping to hear from. (sorry for that ongoing explanation, lol)

      It’s interesting- the way you speak sounds so much like the person I’ve hoped would find this letter, as well as the ways you’ve described yourself and your feelings about your situation (other than certain aspects, including your saying “God bless”). I’ve seen your letters around this website many times and I always get a glimmer of hope that they are written to me, until one of those few factors doesn’t match up and I see your name at the bottom. I don’t know if your name is really Enjay, or if its just meant to disguise the initials NJ, but I still can’t even confirm that the latter would fit my situation… not that it’s relevant either way because there I go again, hoping for something that isn’t real.

      Sorry to disappoint you, and I hope that you also find the happiness you’re looking for, whether it be in the woman you once knew, a woman you are somewhat blind to at the moment, or a woman yet to arrive in your life.

      Good luck!
      -The Author


    18. Enjay
      February 13, 2012 at 5:45 pm

      No worries. I figured it was a long shot anyways, but the closure helps put my mind at ease. I find the similarities on both ends to be quite interesting as well, not that there is any real hidden meaning behind them (as my overly analytical mind might try to convince me.) The evidence speaks for itself.

      I do apologize for getting your hopes up, both in my comment and in previous letters (and likely in letters to come). But at least we were able to clear that up. 🙂 I pray that the guy this was intended for get’s to hear what you have to say and that you two can work things out in the best possible way.

      In Christ,

      (P.S. And yes, “Enjay” just stands for my initials. I think it looks better than merely putting “NJ” at the end of every letter/comment.) :-p


    19. =
      February 14, 2012 at 6:43 am

      No need to apologize for anything! at least it brings some sort of smile to my face even if its just in my mind… as long as I remember that, haha. and it does sound better to say Enjay… not to mention the idea that signing off with “NJ” could potentially have anyone who wants to hear from someone in new jersey jumping out of their seats with every letter you’ve written. lol



    Leave a Reply