I can’t count the number of letters I have written to you that I will never send. It has been a lot. There were always things, so many things I wanted to tell you, but couldn’t. I feared you would freak out and run the other direction or just ignore me again. you are sso oogd at doing that. I kept things quiet, all bottled up all these years.
There were so many things I told you told. I always told you about the things that mattered most, my love for you, your daughter, my work and how unconditional my love for you was. However, all of these things that I have bottled up, they are threatening to spill over now. They are bubbling up over the surface and pouring out. I can’t keep it all inside anymore.
I knew when I began down this path, that things would change. I would be forced to change. I needed to grow. I was fading, dying from being kept inside the same box of a life, like a plant dying without sunshine, stuffed into a pot too small for it’s growing roots.
I haven’t told you anything about this journey I am on, only that I need to change my life. I am 33 years old, and the truth is, I have been stuck for the last four years, coincidentally the exact same amount of time as I have been with you. I don’t blame you for the reason I am stuck. You were just a convienent by-product of a situation gone stale.
I woke up at the turn of this year and decided I need to get in shape- for good, that I need to change careers, maybe even go back to school, that I needed to embrace myself fully and the unique gifts I have. I have hated myself for sooo long. I have punished myself with food, by allowing myself to be shamed about my profession, by continually allowing myself to be exposed to people that aren’t good for me and who truly do want the best for either myself or themselves. I have struggled and suffered for so long that to even dream of a life without either of those feelings was impossible. Then I woke up. I realized that my life has in my hands, I had the power to change it. The ability was in my hands. I seized it.
I couldn’t have gotten to this place without you. You have loved me, even if you didn’t always say it, for so long. You knew I was an escort and loved me anyhow. You even supported me when my whole family turned their backs on me. Each day that I struggled with what I did you were right there beside me holding my hand. I look in the mirror and I see a dispicable person because I let people touch me for money. You told me, if wasn’t me, it would be someone else, so go ahead and take their money, because you knew me that well. You knew I felt ashamed because of society, but not because of what I did. You knew me inside and out and you loved me unconditioinally, unrepentedly, unabashedly.
It was the very best gift anyone had ever given me.
I just can’t help it, I need more. I need someone who will always love me and BE there day in, day out for the rest of my life. I need a partner to conquer this world with because I can’t do it alone. Do you know how hard it is for me to admit that? I was always saying, ‘I do it myself, myself, myself!’ ehrn I was a kid. Admitting I need someone is a big deal to me. If I have to walk this world alone I will do that, but I won’t do it without trying my hardest to find someone to share this road with. I wanted so badly, for that person to be you. I saw something in you, since we first met, that reminded me of me, and there is this connection, this beautiful connection that seemed a blessing from beyond. Even last night, as I lay beside you, you said ‘Do you see?’ and I knew exactly what you were trying to say to get across. You were saying this is it for you. I am it for you. A union of our souls. Except mine couldn’t accept it. I need more than that.
‘We see someone as we wish them to be, not as they are.’ I saw you for too many years, as the person I wished you would be. My husband. I guess you have thought about it too, or so you implied last night. Perhaps that is the biggest crime we have committed against each other, seeing each other as we wished we each could be. It is emptiness. Last night, as I lay in your arms, thinking about what that mean guy said (I want to see the real Tiffany), I just thought that I wanted to be loved, and more importantly KNOW that I was loved. I needed that. Last night, I need someone to shout from the rooftops that they loved me, to hold me in their arms and not let go. To not have it be about sex. It wasn’t enough for me to know it, I had to hear it. I was so fucked up last night, that I didn’t know how to convey to you what I needed.
When I decided to get in shape, for the last time, permanently, I knew that ther were going to be certain things that surfaced that I had to be taken care of. I have never dealt with the issues that led to my eating disorder, and I knew I had to confront them head on. The biggest problem I have is carrying too much, of not saying what I think or feel, and because I take on other people’s problems as my own. I realized yesterday that I would never give anyone else a chance if I was with you at all. Last night, just capped it all off. I realized I needed to leave you because you will never be my partner, not as I need you to be, in this life. If I wanted to get healthy, it meant I had to get rid of you.
It hurts so bad, but it hurts even worse to be so close to want I want and never being able to achieve it. I tried so hard. I think this is the first time I have ever really left you.
I am sorry. I never wanted it to end this way. I never wanted it to end at all. Some of the best days of my life were with you, and because you I have my life back, but to really live, I had to let you go.
I love you more than I can ever say, more than there are words. You are forever etched upon my soul. Thank you for giving the space to be me, for loving me as I am. You gave me wings.
I hurt so bad. I wish things could be different. In fact, if I had one wish, it would be to have you as my partner.
I have to put myself first now, and hope that someday we can both be friends because I can’t imagine my life without you in it.
I love you. Always.