• Should’ve never of let you go.

    by  • February 9, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Disappointment • 0 Comments

    It’s been three months now that we’ve been dating….
    Again
    It’s still not the same. You still treat me like you don’t want me.
    I know it’s because you hate me for leaving the first time.
    I knew you loved me when you didn’t hesitate to talk about us that first night I texted you in so long.
    I remember that night word for word.
    It was painful I felt like dying.
    The next day I really did want to die when you asked the world in a status update “why isn’t she in my arms?”
    I knew just from that post I missed you more than anything or anyone ever in my life.
    And for the first time since I left I realized I was the stupidest person ever for throwing you away.
    Our love story was so real.
    God zapped us and gave us a beautiful girl out of nowhere. Miraculously my body decided that you were the only one it would accept.
    That pregnancy was the happiest days of my life!
    We found out 3 days before My senior prom, I was at school campus when I took it.
    First thing I thought was oh my god he’s never going to stay. We’ve only been together for two months! No guy would ever stay with me! I was so wrong, that week later my alcoholic parents kicked me out at the age of barely 17 and while walking down the road crying….you were the one to come save me. You always were.
    You took me in, took me to school, took me to my doctor appointments, kept me fed, everything.
    You were everything I was searching for in my empty life! You made everything so much better! I was finally complete.
    But I fucked up a lot. I feel, like every bad event that’s ever happened in our relationship has come back to me.
    And it all goes back to the day I went to the doctor for post partum depression. Had I not done that and sucked it up we would’ve made it. I was fine. A little stressed but fine. Nothing I couldn’t of dealt with. I could’ve came home to you and babygirl that day but I didn’t.
    They took me away from my family and locked me up on suicide watch. I laid there for days crying and hallucinating hearing her scream in the night for me. That was the longest we had ever spent apart since we’d been together. When I came back things weren’t okay still….we lost our home, our daughter, and me my job.
    The stress grew and grew and as you tried to live life normally, we couldn’t in my parents house. Dad drank, mom bitched, dad drank cuz mom bitched. Cycle never ended. You and dad got into it physically because we were fighting. You were just trying to talk to me, I was so mean and pushed you away with my mom his peering in my ear he’s no good for, he don’t love you, he don’t love annalese. I pushed it away and we moved into your dads house for the next year and a half. We continued to fight there but nowhere near as bad. It never ended there, we kept going and kept trying.
    Once we moved out of there and into your cousins, it was pretty nice. Not what I wanted and expected with the 15k settlement you got, but oh well it made due. My mom left my dad while we were living there. She left him to drown in his alcoholism that she caused! He drank because she was so mean and controlling and now she was gone. What was left for him really? You left my dad on me again! I’ve watched my dad almost die three times from alcoholism each time you had left me there with him and told him to deal. Some people just fucking can’t you know? Sometimes your other half is your fucking support and when that’s gone, you lose your will to live! You lost what you live for, so why live!?
    It was so hard to balance my home family and my life at the same time. Better yet impossible with the way things were for me. And things got worse and I got more confused. Things were so displaced for me with my parents splitting and my younger brother constantly being in and out of juvenile centers.i didn’t know who I was anymore and I needed to find myself once the fighting escalated to levels I’ve never seen before. I felt scared not only for me but him. Every time I get upset, either I get hurt or someone else does. I’m psycho. I’m crazy. I’m fucking horrible! I left with her before it hurt her or killed us.
    Going back home was the hardest thing ever and it didn’t last. Less than a month after returning home, my mom came back immediately. Everything she had told me to do, to stay strong and not back down, she didn’t. A complete fucking hypocrit. That was just the start. The emotional support broke down immediately next thing you know I’m magically supposed to be able to afford to pay for daycare, gas, food, everything on a 200$ month budget. I left after I had to sell the only ring that he had ever given me. I still cry thinking about that day. And that was what made me weak and come back to you that August for a week. And then I got stupid and scared and left you again.
    This time I really tried moving on…even dated a guy I thought I might’ve liked, but really all he did was hurt me and made me realize that you were the best I ever had and ever will have. I never wanted anyone else from the start. I’m sorry. You were my lucky7 and when I hit number 8(biggest omen in my book is the number 8-anything tragic in my life coordinates with the date 8 somewhere and I’m really freaked out and paranoid about it) nothing was the same. I know you think of it constantly, that was yours and I gave it to someone else. I’m sorry. I know you’ll never get that back either, I never will either. I hurt so bad I wish I could shot myself for putting you threw so much pain. I left you to die to find my head. I wish I’d rather of just lost my life than fucked everything up so bad.
    But here I am now! A new woman that night I texted you. The realization that I’m FOREVER yours is finally here. I wish so badly that I could turn back time and made myself realize sooner that you were the right one for me. GOD ZAPPED US AND SAID TOGETHER FOREVER whenever I became pregnant. But the devil tore us apart. And with broken wings we will fly together as a happy family. The one thing I’ve ALWAYS wanted since as far back as I can remember. One complete happy family.

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