I’m being completely illogical, again. I wish my mind wasn’t capable to twisting little things into big things, but it is.
Over the summer I was casually seeing a nice guy. I hadn’t known him before, and it was nice getting to know him. And he made me laugh, and feel good. Nice. Simple. But unfortunately he began to really like me – y’know, in a romantic way. I didn’t feel the same. I, stupidly, hadn’t seen our few dates as leading up to anything in particular, and I felt awful; like I’d led him on. Which I had. And killed his confidence to such an extent he got back with his ex.
And now I feel like it may be happening again, but this time the stakes are higher. Sadly, the guy over the summer left my life just as easily as he entered it. But this guy is someone I’ve known since I started university, and has been there for me when other people haven’t. And also happens to live with my ex boyfriend. Regardless, I don’t want to lose him as a friend. I’m just worried that he might actually like me as more than a friend after yesterday, and that I’ve started to lead him on, and the thought makes me feel sick. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
Last term we had a coffee to catch up, once. So a few days ago when I felt shitty and he suggested we meet up, I accepted. The only times we’ve seen each other this term have been in passing and drunk, in a club. I felt a bit funny about it because my friends are convinced he likes me (emphasis on the “likes”) but brushed it off – he was my friend, we were meeting up, no big deal. We went wandering around town, getting bits for his social that night, then had a coffee, then got the bus back. Fine. There wasn’t any flirting. I don’t really flirt, and I wouldn’t want to even try flirting with him, that’s the thing.
And later that night when we were both out, we said hi, and it was casual. I was with another friend and we went elsewhere, but it soon turned into a boy frenzy, with people getting with other people and me being pushed around and out of our dancing circle, so I left and found him and his friends, and danced for a bit. This is where it got odd. All his friends were looking at me and taking pictures of me and him. I felt mildly uncomfortable and confused, but again just brushed it off. Then he got me a drink, and when we went back everyone had left. So we left together.
Still quite tipsy, I began to complain about the pain of my heels. This then resulted in him offering me a piggy back to the next place, which was pretty far away. In the end, I accepted. (Now cringey to remember) I then complained that my thighs hurt, and it turned into lots of sexual innuendo, and him referring to my ex. I just laughed, and carried on complaining. Long story short, we ended up in a late night drunken munchies place because he couldnt get into the next club. But the conversation we had makes me paranoid. He asked about the guy I saw over the summer, and if I was over my ex, and when I said I was still messed up over it (true) he acknowledged that I probably wasn’t ready for anything new, then. Am I just being stupid? Is he just being friendly and understanding, and just interested in my life? Or am I hideously naive?
Did I make a mistake going back to him when my friends were being unhelpful? Should I not have danced with him and his friends, and accepted a drink from him? And accepted a piggy back? And allowed the innuendo? Maybe I’ve just forgotten what it’s like to have a close male friend. I used to have a few before I came to university. But here, I didnt have time to really bond with anyone but him before I had a boyfriend. And now I don’t have a boyfriend, my relationships with males have fallen down the wayside. I feel like if they like me, it’s not innocent, or they just don’t like me as a friend at all. So he’s the only male friend I’ve really had. What if this has all just been completely friendly, and I’m just being a dick and over-complicating things?
And the end of the night. We got a taxi back, initially to mine, then his. There was a brief panic when I realised I didn’t have my keys, with the worst case scenario having to stay at his (which we were both worried about, as, remember, his house is my ex’s house) but it turned out people could let me in. Anyway, he then decided he could walk from mine and use my loo, so it was decided. He’d never seen my house, so once inside I gave him a quick tour, and let him use the toilet. He then left. Now even the idea that I showed him my room seems… perverse. I told him to text me when he got back, which he didn’t, so I sent him a jokey angry text. I thanked him for his help, and one part of his text said “You chose me over your friends, lol lol lol” which made me worried, but not worried enough to sleep. But now I’ve woken up feeling horrible.
Am I leading him on? Actually, the real question is – does he like me as more than a friend? Because obviously, if he definitely doesn’t, none of this would be an issue. But if he does, everything I did last night seems in hindsight so encouraging, but I don’t mean it to. It sounds so pathetic (I am quite pathetic – the post is ridiculous) but I honestly don’t know how to treat a guy friend anymore. I treat them like I do girl friends, but maybe this is wrong. I don’t know. I JUST DON’T KNOW. I know this post is silly, but I feel like I just needed to break down yesterday bit by bit to fully understand it… Pleasedontlikemeinaromanticway.